Transparent – Driftwood

「學著和自己好好相處」

別人覺得好的，在我看來不一定是好；別人喜歡的，我也不一定能接受。常常因此被說叛逆，可是人生只有一次，做自己喜歡的事情並且無拘無束地度過餘生才是感到幸福的根本之道。我想把我會的傳遞給這些孩子，這是我的初衷。

What others think is good is not necessarily good in my opinion; what others like is not necessarily acceptable to me. It is often said to be rebellious because of this, but there is only one life, and the fundamental way to feel happy is to do what you like and spend the rest of your life freely. I want to pass on what I know to these children, this is my original intention.

曾想過很多次要考執照成為正式的老師，但當我進入學校後才發現那不是我真正想要的。我不是一個天生當老師的料，是得用努力換實力的人，考教甄之路很辛苦，這段日子真的索然無味。好不容易考上了，進入學校任職，卻發現學校老師之間的鬥爭非常嚴重，最令人詬病的是資深正式教師，仗著自己在學校時間較長而搞職場小團體和派系，對於來學校的實習教師也是愛理不理的。學校環境也讓我不適應，必須要教書、帶活動、負責各式各樣的比賽，一個人要包辦的有很多很多，總感覺自己被學校無盡的利用。錢領的比別人少，卻要做的比別人還多，我無法接受這麼不公平的職場環境。

I thought many times about getting a license to become a full-fledged teacher, but when I entered the school, I realized that was not what I really wanted. I was not born to be a teacher, but I have to trade hard work for my ability. The road to the exam is very hard, and these days are really boring. I finally passed the exam and entered the school to work, but found that the struggle among the teachers in the school was very serious. The most criticized was the senior formal teacher, relying on his long time in the school to form small groups and factions in the workplace, even being indifferent to the intern teachers. The school environment also made me uncomfortable. I had to teach, lead activities, and take charge of all kinds of competitions. There were so many things to do by myself, and I always felt that I was being used endlessly by the school. I receive less money than others, but have to do more than others. I cannot accept such an unfair workplace environment.

時常收到同為LGBTQ身份的私訊，一句句訴說著他們的痛苦，家庭的封建亦或是同溫層不夠厚等等原因導致他們有了自殺的念頭，原來我經歷的拉扯，還有好多人也正感受著。我偶爾會忘記自己的需求才是最該被擺在第一位，終其一生都在討好別人這並不是我想要的。夜深人靜的時候我會反覆念叨著，必須多花心思在自己身上，其餘的眼光和認可並非我首要該在意的，我表現出的態度、人格魅力、外表是多麽的優秀，得到自己的認可就足夠了。

Because I like to teach others what I know, even though I quit my formal job, I still explored another way to go, and finally became a wandering teacher. Many people around me often question my choice. After all, you and I know how difficult it is to get a teacher's license these days and how many people want to compete for this position. Many of my college classmates have also taken the license test several times in order to realize their dream of being a teacher. I have heard that there are as many as eight times. But after becoming a wandering tutor, I am happier than teaching in a fixed school. This identity makes me very happy, maybe because I am an unfettered person, which is really a lot happier for myself who yearns for freedom. I also experienced many benefits that I didn't feel in school. What I like the most is that I can teach students according to my own ideas without being influenced by others.

台灣的教育太重視學科發展，其餘的藝能科目例如美術、舞蹈及體育都不被受到重視，而我偏偏又是一名舞蹈和鋼琴老師，好幾個熟識的學生們在升學壓力下父母紛紛把錢投資到了學科補習班。但我沒有為此感到擔憂，我繼續流浪在各個學校和教育環境裡，保持著初衷，教導所有和我學習的學生。我想盡自己的一份力為這些認真學習的孩子做點改變，是個看似偉大卻不切實際的夢想，只為在他們心中種下小小的種子。

讓他們明白自己是值得被好好對待、重視的存在。

Education in Taiwan puts too much emphasis on subject development, and other arts subjects such as fine arts, dance, and physical education are not valued, and I happen to be a dance and piano teacher. Several familiar students are under the pressure of further studies since their parents have invested their money in subject cram schools. But I didn't worry about it. I continued to wander in various schools and educational environments, maintaining my original intention and teaching all the students who studied with me. I want to do my part to make some changes for these children who study hard. It is a seemingly great but unrealistic dream.

很多人對於流浪教師的議題感到同情，因為在外人看來這是一個徬徨不定的職業，即使過程有很多的抱怨與不悅，但我真心喜歡享受這份工作。得要抱著對教育的熱忱與決心，這條路才不會越走越無力，並且堅持初衷、學著相信自己。

Many people feel sympathetic about the issue of homeless teachers, because outsiders see this as an uncertain profession. Even though there are many complaints and displeasure in the process, I really like and enjoy this job. You have to have enthusiasm and determination for education, so that this road will not become weaker and weaker, and you must stick to your original intention and learn to believe in yourself.

況且，花若盛開，蝴蝶自來。

「去尋找讓自己快樂的事」

即使有著樂天的本性，也總有被生活磨損的時候。那些心煩意亂的時刻像是溺水般，我久久無法抽離。但或許這是命運的安排，嘗試了各種能放下思慮的方法，才能因此感到快樂和溫暖。

Even with an optimistic nature, there are always times when life wears it down. Those distracting moments were like drowning, and I couldn't get out of them for a long time. But maybe this is the arrangement of fate. I have tried various methods to let go of my thoughts, so that I can feel happy and warm.

「我要去環島。」

午後陽光溫柔的灑落，而我獨自在咖啡廳坐著，平復著生活帶來的疲憊感，順著耀眼的方向抬頭看，映入眼簾的是一望無際的北海岸，還有好多人在車上掛著環島的牌子，那一剎那，我突然也想試試看這件熱血的事情，藉此來逃離煩悶的生活。很感謝自己樂天無懼的個性，才能這樣說走就走。我和男友各騎一台車，一路走走停停，朋友都說很浪漫，可我反倒覺得我和他像是夥伴在冒險，沒有任何爭吵，是很有趣的一段旅程。

"I'm going on a trip around the island." The afternoon sun was shining gently, and I was sitting alone in the coffee shop, calming down the fatigue brought by life, looking up in the dazzling direction. What came into view was the endless North Coast, and there were many people hanging the sign of “traveling around the island” on the car. At that moment, I suddenly wanted to try this passionate thing so as to escape the boring life. I am very grateful for my optimistic and fearless personality, so I can leave like this. My boyfriend and I rode a motorcycle on our own, stopping and going along the way. My friends said it was very romantic, but I felt that he and I were like partners on an adventure. There was no quarrel, and it was a very interesting journey.

起初從未想過要回家，但在經過每個縣市都會想起各地的親戚，並安排回他們的家看看，藉由環島這件事拜訪了許多許久未見的親朋好友，算是這趟旅程中很大的收穫。就這樣一個城市接著一個，體驗每個地區不同的文化與風景，從鄉村到都市、從海岸線到山路，所有的感受都很清晰。記得環島結束前一個晚上，我們在台南隨便找了一間石頭火鍋，其實仔細想想也沒什麼特別，但因為那天真的好累好累，所以加倍地感受到了那份美味，是我每次到台南都會想再回訪的味道。

當然這麼漫長的奔波總會有遇到狀況的時候，某天的黃昏時分，我在東部沿著海岸邊騎，欣賞著被粉色天空渲染的海平面，浪漫到不禁有種在跟大海談戀愛的感覺。殊不知沈浸在浪漫氛圍裡沒多久就突如其來的爆胎了⋯⋯ 「妹妹！妳還好嗎？」幸好恰巧有居民聽到聲響出來看狀況，跟我說距離最近的車行，才解決了我的困擾。我邊牽車邊欣賞黃昏的風景，終於到了車行修好機車，能繼續前行了。

At first, I never thought of going home, but when I passed by every county and city, I would think of my relatives from all over the country, and arrange to go back to their homes. By going around the island, I visited many relatives and friends whom I hadn’t seen for a long time, and they are great rewards from the journey. Just like this, we traveled one city after another, experiencing the different culture and scenery of each region. From the countryside to the city; from the coastline to the mountain road, and all the feelings are very clear. I remember that the night before the end of the roundabout, we randomly found a stone hot pot in Tainan. In fact, it was nothing special after thinking about it, but because I was really tired that day, I felt the deliciousness twice as much.It’s the taste that I would like to experience again every time when I re-visit Tainan.

Of course, such a long journey will always encounter a situation. One day at dusk, I was riding along the coast in the east, admiring the sea level rendered by the pink sky. It was so romantic that I couldn’t help falling in love with the sea. Little did I know that the tire suddenly burst after I was immersed in the romantic atmosphere... "Girl ! Are you okay?" Fortunately, a resident happened to hear the sound and came out to check the situation, and told me the nearest car dealership, which solved my problem. While I was dragging my motorcycle, I admired the scenery at dusk. Finally, I went to the garage to repair the locomotive, and I was able to move on.

我一直想再去環島一次，以當下最真實的狀態出發更能在這旅程中傾聽自己的聲音、找到自己想要的答案。環島給我的養分是每時每刻感受到人、天空、海給我的溫暖，也要親身走過才知道台灣真的不小，在這之中我得到了好多力量。疫情戴口罩真的很久了，大家在這三年都多了一種距離感或是漠視旁邊事物的感覺，卻在經過環島旅程後即使有隔閡也感受得到跨越物種的溫暖。不論在什麼狀態，就算當下覺得自己非常不幸，走過之後就又會覺得沒什麼；或是原本覺得自己很棒，但在走過之後會發現自己很渺小。

I have always wanted to go around the island again, so that I can listen to my own voice and find the answer I want by starting in the most authentic state of the moment. The nourishment I get from going around the island is to feel the warmth of people, the sky, and the sea every moment. I have to walk through it myself to know that Taiwan is really big. I have gained a lot of strength from this. It’s been a long time since I wore masks during the epidemic. In the past three years, everyone has had a sense of distance or a feeling of ignoring things around them. Yet, after the journey around the island, they can feel the warmth of crossing species even if there is a gap. No matter what state you are in, even if you feel very unfortunate at the moment, you will feel nothing after passing by; or you think you are great at first, but you will find yourself very small after passing through.

長大或許不是這麼快樂的一件事，但可以去尋找讓自己快樂的事，「關關難過關關過」我總是這麼告訴自己，不用害怕漂流，任何人事物找上門不要心急肯定都能迎刃而解，我們都可以過著無拘無束的生活。

Growing up may not be such a happy thing, but you can find things that make you happy. "Each and every harsh crisis will be averted." I always tell myself, don't be afraid of drifting; don't be impatient when you come to your door, you will definitely be able to solve it , we can all live an unfettered life.

「我知道自己是最美麗的」

我的性別認同遠遠超出了大多數人能接受的範圍，但無論別人做了什麼、說了什麼，我絕不會被這些無謂的閒言閒語和小動作傷害。世界上只有一個我啊，沒有人能隨意將我定罪，活成我心中最美的樣子就足夠了。

My gender identity is far beyond what most people would accept, but no matter what other people do or say, I will never be hurt by these meaningless gossip and small gestures. There is only one me in the world, no one can condemn me arbitrarily, it is enough to live the most beautiful appearance in my heart.

「不管你的條件有多差，總會有個人在愛你。不管你的條件有多好，也總有個人不愛你。」

漸漸習慣在日常閱讀張愛玲的書，她的文字無形中成為了我最強的底氣。

"No matter how bad your conditions are, there will always be someone who loves you. No matter how good your conditions are, there will always be someone who doesn't love you." I gradually got used to reading Chang Ailing's books in my daily life, and her words became my strongest confidence virtually.

多年來多虧了原生家庭和校園環境才能一直自信的活著，剛開始覺得開口展示內在很困難，直到高三那年我勇敢的讓父母完整了解我，學校的老師同學待我都很善良，給予我溢出來的尊重和包容。我想，這也是讓我無論如何都能保持自我的原因吧。在我說出自己是跨性別者後，難免收到各處散發的異樣眼光和惡言相向，但我從未反駁，也不曾讓這些言語動搖我。只要做到努力介紹自己並表達需求，即使不喜歡的回應佔了多數，我仍能瀟灑的轉身離開。

I usually receive texts from the same identities as the LGBTQ. They tell their pains words by words, the feudalism of the family or the lack of thick stratosphere and other reasons lead them to have the idea of suicide. It turns out that I have experienced a lot of dragging, and many people are also feeling it. I occasionally forget that my own needs should come first, and spending my life pleasing others is not what I want. In the dead of night, I would repeat over and over again that I must pay more attention to myself. The rest of my vision and recognition are not my primary concern. My attitude, personal charm, and appearance are so good. Getting my own approval is enough. Thanks to my native family and campus environment for many years, I have been able to live confidently. At first, I found it difficult to open my mouth to show my inner self. It was not until my third year of high school that I bravely let my parents fully understand me. The teachers and classmates at the school treated me very kindly and gave me overflowing respect and tolerance. I think this is also the reason why I can maintain myself no matter what. After I said I was transgender, I inevitably received strange looks and bad words from all over the world. Yet, I never contradicted it, and I never let these words sway me. As long as I try my best to introduce myself and express my needs, even if the responses I don't like account for the majority, I can still turn around and leave gracefully.

在感情世界裡，跨性別對我來說是很嚴重的傷害，畢竟愛情就是我的人生必需品。常常羨慕別人擁有一段順利又正常的戀情，我能用外貌吸引男生，但他們會因我是生理男而打退堂鼓。有時候聽著他們拒絕我的理由更讓我加倍難受，不是因為我不好而回絕，是因為我的先天限制，讓我沒辦法擁有正常的戀愛關係。「為什麼不去做手術呢？」大概算是我最常被提出的疑問了，沒有什麼感性的原因，單純是不希望在我的基因上強加女性賀爾蒙，導致免疫系統混亂，而且經歷大手術就是少一條命，我不想浪費這十年甚至二十年，都不知道自己能活多久了，當然要把握這些時間拿來和愛的人相處。

對於我自身的條件我很知足也很感謝，上帝算是給了我一條順遂的道路。所有先天的輪廓不會影響我對美的認知，如果因為別人的一句話就懷疑自己，那就重新定義自己想追求的事物和對美的定義。別鎖著自己，透過溝通與協調，總會找到生活平衡的。每個人都在關注著未來的目標，不會過於在意別人；每個人都有著破碎的過去，都在專注著如何讓一切變更好，不管你所眺望的遠方是何處，都要更努力精進自己，用能力說話，而不是虛無縹緲的維持立場。

In the world of love, transgender is a serious injury to me. After all, love is the necessity of my life. I often envy others to have a smooth and normal relationship. I can attract boys with my appearance, but they will retreat because I am a biological man. Sometimes listening to their reasons for rejecting me makes me even more uncomfortable. It's not because I'm bad, but because of my innate limitations that prevent me from having a normal relationship. "Why don't you go for surgery?" This is probably the question that I have been asked the most. There is no emotional reason. It is simply that I don't want to impose female hormones on my genes, causing immune system confusion, and undergoing major surgery. It's just that I lost one life. I don't want to waste ten or even twenty years. I don't know how long I can live. Of course, I must use this time to get along with the people I love.

I am very satisfied and grateful for my own conditions. God has given me a smooth path. All innate contours will not affect my perception of beauty. If you doubt yourself because of someone else's words, then redefine what you want to pursue and the definition of beauty. Don't lock yourself in. Through communication and coordination, you will always find a balance in your life. Everyone is paying attention to the future goals, and will not care too much about others; everyone has a broken past, and they are all focused on how to make everything better. No matter where you look at the distance, you must work harder to improve yourself, Speak with ability, rather than maintaining a position in vain.

況且，花若盛開，蝴蝶自來。

Transparent 透明

以透明質感呈現漂流者在漂流歷程中的想法單純透徹，且內心無所畏懼。
當遇上難題時以樂觀的心態看待它，並且更專注於解決。

Present the drifting person’s ideas in the drifting process with a transparent texture, and there’s no fear in his/her heart. When encountering a difficult problem, look at it with an optimistic attitude and focus more on solving it.