Pulp – Driftwood

「扛得住涅槃之痛才配得上重生之美」

回頭看當時的每一步都走得好艱難，身兼多職只為了存錢完成夢想、在無親無故的城市中默默地走在街道、情緒湧上時身旁沒有能依靠的對象，只能用淚水來撫平所有的不適應。可這些不開心，都是生活給我的禮物，總會有那麼一天月亮和星星都將為我閃爍著。

Looking back at that time, every step was so difficult. I took multiple jobs just to save money and realize my dreams. I walked silently on the streets in a city with no relatives and no reason, only tears can heal all of the discomfort. But these unhappiness are all gifts from life, and there will always be a day when the moon and stars will shine for me.

時間飛逝，在英國生活已有兩年的時間。

因為家裡環境沒有優渥到有辦法供我出國讀書，我在大學四年拼命打工、實習、拿獎學金，並將這一點一點的錢存下來，終於在我大學畢業那一年憑藉著自己的努力，有能力出國留學，完成我學生時期最後一個願望。

Time flies and I have been living in the UK for two years.

Because my family environment was not good enough to support me to study abroad, I worked hard for four years in college, did internships, received scholarships, and saved this little money. Finally, in the year I graduated from college, I have the ability to study abroad, and fulfill my last wish during my student days with my hard work.

搭了十幾個小時的飛機後出境，這是我第一次拖著三十公斤行李箱一個人踏入歐洲，種種障礙我都做了萬全的心理建設，漸漸變得不再畏懼所有。或許是這座城市太大了，日常中遇到了好多小事情都能讓我心頭一暖。印象中，那天我的心情糟透了，前一天通宵準備的考試沒考好、天空下起了傾盆大雨、路上汽車行駛經過我時輪胎壓到泥巴濺了我一身，這些小事累積起來讓我感到好委屈，卻沒有一個人能聽我訴苦。我含著淚水走在英國的街道上，突然有個媽媽牽著女兒迎面經過我，小女孩身穿粉紅色的雨衣和雨鞋，甜甜的沖著我笑了一下，頓時被那股天真的氣息感染，我下意識也回給她一個發自內心的微笑，即便在前一刻我的情緒仍然是低落的。在英國街頭上接受到了數不盡的善意，當然偶爾也會有些惡意，有些種族歧視者對於華人面孔不友善，他們大聲喝斥著要我滾回亞洲，指著我說出了不堪的言語。

可在這發生的所有，無論好或壞，都讓我真真切切的感受著自己正在為了生活努力的奔波著。

After flying for more than ten hours, I left the country. This was the first time I stepped into Europe alone with a 30kg suitcase. I have done a complete psychological construction for all kinds of obstacles, and gradually I am no longer afraid of everything. Maybe it's because the city is too big, and many small things in my daily life can warm my heart. In my memory, I was in a terrible mood that day. I failed the exam I prepared all night the day before, it rained heavily, and when a car passed me on the road, the tires hit me with mud and splashed all over me. I am so wronged, but no one can listen to my complaints. I was walking on the streets of England with tears in my eyes. Suddenly, a mother led her daughter and passed me. The little girl was wearing a pink raincoat and rain boots. I subconsciously gave her a smile from the bottom of my heart, even though my mood was still low at the previous moment. I have received countless goodwill on the streets of the UK, and of course there are occasional malices. Some racists are not friendly to Chinese faces. They shouted at me to go back to Asia, and pointed at me and said unbearable words. But everything that happened here, no matter good or bad, made me really feel that I was working hard for my life.

在今年生日前夕，爸爸和媽媽突然出現在我宿舍樓下，「這裡可是英國南部不是台灣南部耶！」我心裡默默感動忍著眼淚，爸爸媽媽只為了給我驚喜、看我一眼，一向省吃儉用的他們願意花機票錢搭這麼久的飛機。而他們突如其來的出現也讓我發覺自己長大了，會開始煩惱他們在來的路上有沒有受到什麼委屈、有沒有照顧好自己、會不會吃不慣國外的東西、睡不好等等。這會是我度過最深刻也最感動的一次生日，看到爸爸媽媽不畏艱險的遙遠飛到國外，讓我意識到無論如何我都要學會一個人堅強和獨處，畢竟身處國外求學，身旁的人肯定都很忙碌，在自顧不暇的情況下沒有人有多餘的心力來關心自己。

On my birthday’s eve this year, my dad and mom suddenly appeared downstairs in my dormitory. "This is the south of England, not the south of Taiwan!" Those who are frugal are willing to spend such a long time on the plane. Their sudden appearance also made me realize that I have grown up, I will start to worry about whether they have suffered any grievances on the way here; whether they have taken care of themselves; whether they will not be used to eating foreign food, sleeping well, etc. This will be the most profound and touching birthday I have ever spent. Seeing my parents fly abroad without fear of hardships and dangers made me realize that no matter what, I must learn to be strong and alone. After all, I am studying abroad. The people around me must be very busy, and no one has extra energy to care about themselves when they are too busy to take care of themselves.

獨自離開家鄉這麼長一段時間，一開始我也會不習慣這樣的孤獨，甚至壓力大到瘦了好幾公斤，無數個日夜崩潰大哭卻還是要強裝自己沒事，擦乾眼淚笑著和家人視訊。

After leaving my hometown alone for such a long time, I was not used to this kind of loneliness at first, and I even lost several kilograms due to the pressure. I broke down and cried countless days and nights, but I still had to pretend that I was fine, wiped away my tears, smiled and video chatted with my family.

生活就是如此，總有一團糟的時候，但扛住了涅槃之痛才配得上重生之美。

我很感謝那個哭到眼睛紅腫入睡，醒來卻依然倔強不服輸的自己。

Life is like this, there will always be a mess, but the beauty of rebirth is only worthy of the pain of Nirvana. I am very grateful to the self who cried until his eyes were red and swollen and fell asleep, but still stubbornly refused to admit defeat when he woke up.

「無止盡的漂流讓我真實的感受著生活」

漫無目的的旅程在每個清晨悄無聲息的出發，生命的過客一個接著一個的上車，我背負著將他們送往目的地的使命，偶爾傾聽他們的日常點滴，然後目送他們下車。我走走停停，或南或北，享受著這樣的四處奔波，因為它讓我無暇空虛。

The aimless journey starts quietly every morning, and the passengers of life get on the car one by one. I am shouldering the mission of sending them to their destination, occasionally listening to their daily life, and then watching them get out of the car. I stop and go, or south or north, enjoying this kind of running around, because it makes me have no time to be empty.

算一算退休也五年多了，自從兒子和媳婦跑去中國工作，我便和有著智力障礙的孫子相依為命，學費、醫療費等等必要的開銷也都落在了我身上。去年初我決定出門開計程車，想著能賺一點是一點。

It has been more than five years since I retired. Since my son and his wife went to work in mainland China, I have lived with my mentally handicapped grandson. Necessary expenses such as tuition fees and medical expenses have also fallen on me. At the beginning of last year, I decided to go out and drive a taxi, thinking that I could make a little money.

每天早上送孫子去學校後，就在高樓大廈中穿梭著，有時候一天會開超過12個小時，甚至常有一半的時間都在空轉，但我不覺得辛苦，更不會覺得無聊或沒意義，畢竟待在家也只是對著電視機發呆，倒不如出門晃晃。台北捷運的便利快速以及越來越多線上叫車平台的出現，都讓我們這些開著黃色計程車的客人少之又少、獨自待在車裡的時間多了將近兩倍，但其實蠻享受一個人開車在台北街頭閒晃的時刻。我放著聽了幾十年的洪榮宏光碟片，在每個十字路口等紅燈時看看路上來來往往的人，心情好的時候還會跟著音樂的節奏晃動、哼歌。遇到煩悶的日子，只要開往北邊的海岸線，窗戶搖下來看看海、吹吹風，所有壓抑的情緒似乎都能在這個瞬間煙消雲散。

Every morning after sending my grandson to school, I shuttled among high-rise buildings. Sometimes I would drive for more than 12 hours a day, and even half of the time was idling, but I didn’t feel tired, let alone bored or lacking meaning. After all, staying at home is just staring at the TV in a daze, it is better to go out and hang out. The convenience and speed of the Taipei MRT and the emergence of more and more online car-hailing platforms have made us, who drive yellow taxis, have very few customers. We spend nearly twice as much time alone in the car, but we actually enjoy it. The moment when I was driving alone on the streets of Taipei.

I played and listened to the Hong Rong Hong CD for decades, and watched the people coming and going on the road while waiting for the red light at every intersection. When I was in a good mood, I would shake and hum to the rhythm of the music. On a boring day, as long as you drive to the northern coastline, roll down the window to see the sea and enjoy the breeze, all the depressed emotions seem to disappear in this instant.

開著這台小黃車在各處奔波了一年半，接到的客人有數百種。如果客人願意的話，我很喜歡和他們聊天，聽他們分享這一天發生了些什麼，會有好的也有壞的，接收著每個人不同的心情。時不時也會因為他們的言語而想起過往的自己，將客人載達目的地後我會開去充滿回憶的地方看看，無論是童年時和隔壁鄰居玩耍的老家門口、叛逆期和同學偷偷抽菸的公園、又或者是我人生大半年待的那個工地，雖然如今都已建成一棟棟的高樓，失去了原本的樣貌，但每當經過這些地方仍然能感受到那股熟悉。下班後，我習慣買巷口那間牛肉麵店回家和孫子一起吃，聽著他嬉笑地和我訴說今天在學校遇到的事情，眼前這碗再平凡不過的牛肉麵此刻都成了人間美味。不管他是什麼模樣，只要健健康康的，看著他就能夠治癒我辛勞的一天。

I drove this little yellow car around for a year and a half, and received hundreds of customers.

If the guests are willing, I like to chat with and listen to them sharing what happened on this day, there will be good and bad, and everyone can receive different moods. From time to time, I will think of my past self because of their words. After driving the guests to their destinations, I will drive to places full of memories, whether it is the door of the old house where I played with the neighbors in my childhood, or the park where I secretly smoked with my classmates during the rebellious period; or the construction site where I stayed for half a year in my life. Although tall buildings have been built and lost their original appearance, I can still feel the familiarity whenever I pass these places. After getting off work, I used to buy the food from the beef noodle shop in the alley and go home to eat with my grandson. Listening to him laughingly telling me about what happened at school today, the bowl of beef noodle, which is so ordinary, has become the delicious cuisine at this moment. It doesn't matter what he looks like, as long as he's healthy, looking at him heals my tiring day.

退休前在工地約莫三十幾年了，日復一日地做相同的工作，而計程車司機這個身份帶給我很不一樣的感受，從以往的千篇一律到此刻的漫無目的，一開始單單為了賺些小錢，可真正在這座城市中經歷這樣的四處漂泊後，卻有了說不完的體會。一路上，窗外景色時而繁華、時而安靜；偶爾被炙熱的陽光曝曬著、偶爾會有暗淡的烏雲籠罩在上方；上車的客人有面露陰鬱的、有些出言無狀，可更多的是僅僅帶著微笑和溫暖上車，就能給予我力量以及幸福的人生過客。

Before I retired, I worked on the construction site for more than 30 years. I did the same job day after day, but being a taxi driver gave me a very different feeling. I just want to earn a little money in the beginning, but after really experiencing such wandering around in this city, I have an endless experience. Along the way, the scenery outside the window is sometimes bustling and sometimes quiet; It is a passer-by in life who can give me strength and happiness just by getting into the car with a smile and warmth.

看到路上為了招攬我而晃動的手，我總是心懷期待的往街邊停靠，期待著接下來迎接的將會是什麼樣的客人呢？

Seeing the hands shaking on the road to attract me, I always stop by the street with anticipation, looking forward to what kind of guests will be greeted next?

「所有遺憾都是成全」

別人正玩樂的青春歲月裡，我卻早已嚐遍苦辣酸甜。經歷這社會上各式各樣的衝撞，一路成長至今也年過半百了，生活除了一如往常的努力賺錢，還多了一份為家庭的犧牲。但人生就是如此吧，有遺憾才會有成全。

In my youthful years when others were having fun, I have already tasted bitterness, hotness, sourness and sweetness. After experiencing all kinds of conflicts in this society, I have grown up all the way and am now over fifty years old. In addition to working hard to make money as usual in life, there is also an extra sacrifice for the family. But life is like this, there will be fulfillment only if there are regrets.

因為家庭的因素遠從印尼來到台灣，面對生活環境突如其來的轉變，使我的童年過得比一般人辛苦。正值荳蔻年華的青春，別人和朋友輕鬆愉悅地嬉戲，而我卻已經開始工作，不管是飲料店店員、餐廳服務生、婚紗攝影、八大行業，各式各樣的行業我都做過，早早出社會是很辛苦的一段歷程，為了養活自己，這是條必經之路。但比起辛苦，得到的收穫是遠足已覆蓋這些勞累的。

Because of family factors, I came to Taiwan from Indonesia and faced a sudden change in the living environment, which made my childhood harder than ordinary people. At the time of cardamom's youth, I have already started working when other people and friends are playing relaxingly and joyfully. Whether it is a beverage store clerk, restaurant waiter, wedding photography, or eight major industries, I have done all kinds of industries. Being out of society early is a very difficult journey. In order to support myself, this is the only way to go. But compared to the hard work, the harvest is far enough to cover these tiredness.

工作帶給我很多壓力，常有不盡人意的時候。

起初會冒出這一切不值得的念頭，覺得自己一直在幫別人做事，

或是功勞被搶走，好像付出這麼多努力最後卻沒有任何屬於我的東西。可總會在某一個瞬間，突然所有煩惱都通了。不需要糾結在每一件事值不值得，人生所有經驗都不會是徒勞無功的，終將有一天這些付出會回饋到自身，即使結果不屬於我，但只要肯用心做，在這之中學到的東西就會全都是自己的，且沒有人能夠拿走。

後來嫁進夫家，在事業正衝刺的時候有了小孩，

可我從來沒想過要放棄，這是老天爺給我的禮物。

自從有了孩子才曉得這個社會仍然傳統，耳邊總會傳來「怎麼顧小孩的？」、「要先把孩子顧好啊！」這樣的責罵聲，而這些話從來不會對爸爸說；但也更深地明白該為家庭負起責任，一直以來為了我的家庭努力打拼，不停的往前衝，有時候真的好累，但會想起這世界上比我糟糕的人有更多，他們甚至連喊累的時間都沒有。當父母犧牲是一定的，沒有了自己的時間、不能做喜歡的事，不過能看著他們的笑顏一天天長大，那種幸福感是非常滿足的。也會為了小孩義無反顧往前衝，因為我的家庭就是帶給我能量和動力的最大來源。在擁有家庭前的好幾年我過得很痛苦，但現在即使忙碌，感受到更多的是充足和快樂，這幾年讓我內心很踏實，我知道自己不是在空忙。

Work brings me a lot of pressure, and there are often unsatisfactory times. At first, I would think that all this is not worth it, I feel that I have been doing things for others, or that the credit has been taken away, as if I have put in so much effort but in the end I have nothing that belongs to me. But there will always be a certain moment when all the troubles suddenly disappear. There is no need to worry about whether everything is worth it. All experiences in life will not be in vain. One day, these efforts will be rewarded to myself. Even if the result does not belong to me, as long as I am willing to do it with my heart, I will learn from it. Everything you own will be yours, and no one can take it away.

Later, I married into my husband's family and had a child when my career was sprinting, but I never thought of giving up. This is a gift from God. Ever since I had children, I realized that this society is still traditional, and there are always scolding voices like "?", "How did you take care of the children?", and these words are never said to the father; But I also have a deeper understanding that I should take responsibility for my family. I have been working hard for my family and keep moving forward. Sometimes I am really tired, but I will remember that there are more people worse than me in this world. They didn't even have time to shout. When parents make sacrifices, they have no time for themselves and can’t do what they like, but seeing their children’s smiles grow up day by day, that kind of happiness is very satisfying. I will also go forward without hesitation for my children, because my family is the biggest source of energy and motivation for me. I had a painful life before I had a family for a few years. Yet, even though I am busy now, I feel more content and happy. These years have made me feel at ease in my heart, and I know that I am not busy.

當然長久這樣下來，勢必要捨棄些什麼，我喜歡的不一定是我能做的，因此有了那些遺憾。我的興趣是畫畫，卻礙於經濟因素，我沒辦法選擇喜歡的這條路走。但也因為做了這個取捨，我才能夠養活全家人。常常在想，要是今天小孩長大了，有了自己的時間，我想繼續畫畫，也想放飛自我，好好規劃一場旅行，去世界各國走一走，畢竟一直以來我都在為家庭付出，沒有任何一次是為自己衝過。

Of course, I will have to give up something if I go on like this for a long time. What I like may not be what I can do, so I have those regrets. My hobby is painting, but due to economic factors,

I can't choose my favorite path. But also because of this trade-off, I was able to support my whole family. I often think that if the child grows up someday, I will have my own time, and I want to continue painting. I want to let myself go, plan a trip well, and go to various countries around the world. After all, I have been making a contribution to my family all the time. There’s not any time that I rush for myself.

回憶起我這30幾年的旅程，從一開始的波濤洶湧到如今的風平浪靜，人生似乎就是如此，有苦也有樂，所以我常常覺得一半是成全，一半是遺憾，合起來才是人生。

Recalling my journey of more than 30 years, from the turbulent waves at the beginning to the current calm, life seems to be like this, with both suffering and joy. So, I often feel that half is fulfillment, and the other half is regret. The combination of them is life.

Pulp 紙漿

紙為生活中處處可見的物品，表達此階段是最日常的感覺。即使遇到問題感到煩惱，也相信難題會自己消失。如同紙張飄逸的形像，象徵隨性姿態的漂流者。

Using paper as a thing that can be seen everywhere in life and expressing this stage is the most daily feeling. Even if we feel annoyed when facing a problem, we should believe that it will disappear by itself. Like a floating image of paper, it symbolizes a casual drifter.