透明1
透明1(1)
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「我們是被社會遺棄的一群人」

有時候賺到了一點小錢, 我會去便利商店買一碗熱呼呼的泡麵;面對無數次的失業時,只能拼命的想辦法去找到下個能餬口飯吃的機會。看著路上的人們似乎都有著歸宿,再回過頭來看看自己,這輩子只能這樣流浪了吧。

Sometimes when I make a little money, I will go to the convenience store to buy a bowl of hot instant noodles; when faced with countless times of unemployment, I can only desperately find a way to find the next opportunity to make a living. Looking at the people on the road, it seems that they all have their own destinations, and looking back at myself, I can only wander like this in this life.


1/18,離今年的農曆新年剩下幾天,

我們行走在熙來攘往的艋舺街頭,尋找讓漂流故事更多元的可能。

以冬季來說那天的陽光耀眼的有點過頭,進到超商打算買瓶冰水解渴,正排隊結帳時聽到前面的顧客差了二十塊不夠付,看著這位大叔慌張的模樣,我拿出零錢幫他結了帳。透過這樣的契機,我們和大叔有了更近一步的交流,得知原來他是這邊的街友。

On 1/18, there are a few days left before the Lunar New Year this year, we are walking on the bustling streets of Mengka, looking for possibilities to make the drifting story more diverse. 

In winter, the sun was too dazzling that day. I entered the supermarket and planned to buy a bottle of ice water to quench my thirst. When I was queuing up to check out, I heard that the customer in front of me was twenty yuan short of paying. Seeing the panicked appearance of this uncle, he took out the change and settled the bill for him. Through this opportunity, we had a closer communication with the uncle and learned that he is a street person here.

「 謝謝你們願意幫助我,這裡的住戶總是把我們當成亂源,拒我們於千里之外。」

大叔和藹地笑著說道,這裡每每發生動亂,街友們都會被扣上現行犯的帽子,即使一切都是一般住戶所做的。聽到大叔說通常白天他們都要上班後我很訝異,我以為街友都是無業遊民,才知道他們也是有在工作賺錢的,只不過大多是做臨時工或舉牌員的工作。也是,倘若沒有工作、社會上給予的幫助也不足,該怎麼支撐到現在呢?而每個遊民都有屬於他們的故事,大叔以前是一名建築工人,但自從染上肺病後呼吸容易遇到困難,無法再繼續搬運重物的工作,國中就輟學工作的他也知道成為白領上班族的機會微乎其微。

身邊的家人早在幾十年前就相繼離世,加上身上的存款無法負擔每月的房租費,只好開始了露宿街頭的生活。有社工來問過要不要去住收容所,依稀記得第一次被詢問是在寒流來襲的時期,猶豫很久還是答應了,當時的室友是個會尿失禁的阿伯,尿騷味跟其他異味一起充斥整間房。收容所為了維持秩序也制定了很多規範。「 光是門禁、禁止菸酒對我來說就如同被關在監獄裡的犯人一樣。」大叔高亢的嗓音表達了對自由的渴望,最終還是選擇了回到街邊住下。對於這些遊民來說,在這個社會經歷了各種動盪和漂流,受盡了屈辱和欺負。路上經過的行人用冷嘲熱諷的口氣對大叔評頭論足,也曾遇過好幾次小混混喝了酒來打擾他們睡覺,甚至會把他們叫起來用不入耳的言語或動手動腳欺負他們。

"Thank you for your willingness to help me. The residents here always regard us as a source of chaos and reject us thousands of miles away."

The uncle smiled kindly and said that whenever there is turmoil here, the street friends will be labeled as active criminals, even if everything is done by ordinary residents. I was surprised when I heard the uncle say that they usually have to go to work during the day. I thought the homeless people were all unemployed, so I realized that they are also working to make money, but most of them are temporary workers or sign bearers. Also, if there is no job and the help from society is minimal, how can I support it until now? And every homeless person has their own story. The uncle used to be a construction worker, but since he contracted lung disease, he has difficulty breathing and can no longer continue to carry heavy objects. He also knows that he has become a white-collar worker since he dropped out of junior high school. The chances for office workers are slim to none. 

The family members around me passed away decades ago, and the savings on my body could not afford the monthly rent, so I had no choice but to start a life of sleeping on the streets. 

A social worker came to ask if he wanted to live in a shelter. He vaguely remembered that the first time he was asked was when the cold snap hit. After hesitating for a long time, he agreed. The roommate at that time was an uncle with urinary incontinence, and the smell of urine and other peculiar smells filled the room. The shelter has also formulated many regulations in order to maintain order. "The access control and the prohibition of smoking and drinking are like prisoners in prison to me." The uncle's high-pitched voice expressed his desire for freedom, and finally chose to return to the street to live. For these vagrants, they have experienced all kinds of turbulence and drift in this society, and suffered humiliation and bullying. Pedestrians passing by on the road commented on the uncle in a sarcastic tone, and met several times when young gangsters drank alcohol to disturb their sleep, and even called them up to bully them with offensive words or hands and feet.

「 我很想念我逝去的家人,也很希望自己趕快賺夠錢,有能力每天溫飽自己、給自己一個家,寒冬的夜裡不用依靠一層又一層的紙箱來取暖,但這個社會總是對遊民充滿惡意,應徵上的工作總是會因為各種偏見常常做兩三天就被辭退了。」

"I miss my family members who have passed away, and I really hope that I can earn enough money to be able to feed myself every day and give myself a home. I don't have to rely on layers of cardboard boxes to keep warm in the cold winter nights, but this society is always full of homeless people. Maliciousness, the job I applied for is always due to various prejudices, and I am often dismissed after two or three days.”

我們買了一些可以讓大叔解決這兩天溫飽的食物後與他告別。在我的印象裡,先入為主的認為遊民們會像媒體和刻板印象一樣危險跟好吃懶做,而經過和大叔的對談我才發現他們也很認真的想活下去,努力的溫飽自己。

We bid farewell to uncle after buying some food that would allow him to get enough food and clothing for the past two days. In my impression, I preconceived that homeless people are as dangerous and lazy as the media and stereotypes, but after talking with the uncle, I found that they also really want to live and work hard to feed themselves.

透明1
透明1(1)
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「好想告別這段和藍天白雲擁抱的日子」

走過一座又一座的城市,看了許多的風景, 曾看過極地的永晝之光,也曾恰巧見證了流星畫過天際。可身邊的人永遠是擦身而過的過客,我一個人孤獨的浮沉著,心中有滿出來的各種情緒卻找不到出口宣洩。

I walked through one city after another, saw many landscapes, saw the eternal light of the polar region, and happened to witness meteors painting the sky. But the people around me are always passers-by, and I am floating alone, with all kinds of emotions in my heart but I can't find an outlet to vent.


「 各位旅客您好,歡迎登機,預計空中飛行時間是13小時。」

又是一段漫長的時間呢,廣播完後我將話筒放下,同時也收起了我的微笑。當了空服員後把強顏歡笑這四個字發揮得淋漓盡致,旁人總認為空姐是一份光鮮亮麗的職業,起初我也是這麼想的,對於這個身份抱有很大的期望及憧憬。在正式成為空服員前有無數次的考試,一不小心做錯了一個小動作將會面臨淘汰,身邊同期的朋友好多個都在我身旁接到電話通知明天不用來了,當時的壓力和懼怕刻骨銘心,是我永遠無法遺忘的感受。我想著只要再更努力撐下去,就能實現我的夢想了,而我也真的做到了。

"Hello passengers, welcome to board the plane. The estimated flight time is 13 hours."

It was a long time again. After the broadcast, I put down the microphone and put away my smile at the same time. After becoming a flight attendant, I used the four characters of strong face and laughter to the fullest. Others always think that being a flight attendant is a glamorous profession. At first, I thought so too, and I had great expectations and longings for this identity. Before officially becoming a flight attendant, there are countless exams. If you accidentally make a small mistake, you will face elimination. Many friends in the same period around me received a call telling you not to come tomorrow. The pressure and fear at that time is unforgettable, it is a feeling that I will never forget. I thought that as long as I worked harder, I could realize my dream, and I did.

開始了我的第一趟飛行後不久,便遇上疫情,正處於高峰期導致所有人都很慌恐,飛機裡無論是乘客或空服員都帶著緊張的氣息,深怕一個疏忽就被感染。也因此在我工作結束抵達台灣後都不敢回家接觸家人,即使航班大減我仍然住在防疫旅館或租屋處,不敢冒險回家和親朋好友見面,那是我第一次後悔自己選擇這個職業,卻也無能為力。今年疫情趨緩,航班也開始正常,我以為自己會恢復以往對空服員的熱忱,殊不知加班熬夜、照顧乘客、端盤子、清理廁所等等這些繁雜瑣事讓我更加力不從心。

從一開始的上飛機,為求生存就必須應擠出笑容和大家社交,嚴重的學姊制讓我必須承擔一些酸言酸語;遇到無理取鬧的乘客已是常態了,一向討厭和陌生人肢體接觸的我得忍受著乘客直接拍打我的不適、航班延誤時被乘客罵哭仍要笑著勸他們消氣。這份工作在我心中逐漸的變質,到現在已經是一昧的在忍耐了。

Not long after I started my first flight, I encountered the epidemic. It was at its peak and everyone panicked. Both the passengers and the flight attendants in the plane were nervous of being infected due to one mistake. Therefore, after I arrived in Taiwan after work, I didn’t dare to go home to meet my family. Even if the flight was greatly reduced, I still stayed in the anti-epidemic hotel or rented a house, and I didn’t dare to take the risk of going home to meet relatives and friends. That was the first time I regretted choosing this career, but there is nothing I can do. 

This year, the epidemic has slowed down and flights have begun to return to normal. I thought I would regain my enthusiasm for being a flight attendant. However, I didn’t know that such complicated and trivial tasks as working overtime and staying up late, taking care of passengers, serving dishes, cleaning toilets, etc. made me even more powerless.

From the very beginning when I got on the plane, I had to smile and socialize with everyone in order to survive. The severe school sister system made me have to bear some bitter words; encountering unreasonable passengers is normal, and I have always hated talking to strangers I have to endure the discomfort of being slapped directly by passengers when I have physical contact, and I have to laugh and persuade them to calm down when they are scolded and cried by passengers when the flight is delayed. This job has gradually deteriorated in my heart, and I have been enduring it until now.

身邊永遠是不認識的同事讓我找不到歸屬感外,也感覺自己很孤獨,

朋友的聚餐我總因為要去機場報到而提早離開,因為需要隨時待命以防突發狀況,在朋友眼裡我變成了言而無信的人,慢慢的他們和我漸行漸遠。前一個月在航程當中和交往了六年的男朋友分手了,這個月當我遠在美國時收到了從小陪我長大的爺爺離世的消息,一切對我來說都是好大的打擊,可我卻什麼都做不了,每每情緒湧上心頭時,依舊要忍著所有的悲傷和眼淚,擠出笑容和耐心,散發正面的電波給乘客。

I will always be surrounded by colleagues I don’t know, so I can’t find a sense of belonging, 

and I feel lonely. I always leave early because I have to report to the airport for dinner with my friends, because I need to be on call at any time in case of emergencies. In the eyes of my friends I became a person who broke my promise, and slowly they drifted away from me. 

A month ago, I broke up with my boyfriend who had been with me for six years during the voyage. This month, when I was far away in the United States, I received the news that my grandfather who grew up with me passed away. Everything was a big blow to me, but I can't do anything. Whenever emotions come to my heart, I still have to endure all the sadness and tears, squeeze out a smile and patience, and send positive waves to the passengers.

放棄的念頭在最近不斷浮現,可我卻不敢真正的執行,我害怕自己什麼都不會,沒有了這份工作回歸到社會會被遺棄;擔心自己放下這段漂流的旅途後會不適應固定的生活。種種的煩惱都讓我無所適從,我沒有勇氣做出我內心深處最想做的決定,只能繼續過著忍耐的生活,用我佯裝出來的笑容和溫柔面對每一位乘客。

The idea of ​​giving up has been emerging recently, but I dare not actually implement it. 

I am afraid that I will not know anything, and I will be abandoned when I return to society without this job. I am also worried that I can’t adapt to my life after giving up on this drifting journey. All kinds of troubles made me at a loss. I didn't have the courage to make the decision I wanted to make most in my heart. I could only continue to live a life of patience and face every passenger with my pretended smile and tenderness.

透明1
透明1(1)
內頁

「努力和看不見的敵人抗爭著」

我知道想改變明天,那今天的我就得要有所行動, 我真的都明白,也盡全力了,但為什麼一切都跟昨天一樣,任何變化都沒有呢? 只有對以前的自己感到更抱歉,對不起,把那個開朗的妳丟失了。

I know that if I want to change tomorrow, I have to take action today. I really understand and try my best, but why is everything the same as yesterday, without any change? I only feel more sorry for my former self, sorry for losing that cheerful you.


我聽到他們說我變了好多。

是啊,我變了好多,曾經我也是一個開朗又愛笑的女孩,卻不曉得從何開始,我變得很在意他人眼光,在意到會讓自己無時無刻處於緊張狀態的程度。感覺好像踏錯一步、慢了一拍,就會輸身邊的人一大截,種種壓力讓我罹患了憂鬱症跟自律神經失調。我一直以為自己是堅強的,但發生的這一切訴說著其實我很脆弱。

憂鬱症不是自己能控制的,它沒有預兆、也不能預防。它就像咳嗽,咳了不會比較好,但也沒辦法忍住。已經好久沒能安穩的睡一覺,好久沒有好好的吃東西了。因為吃藥,手抖和記憶斷片的症狀越發嚴重,所有食物在我嘴裡就像嚼塑膠般,食之無味。日復一日的,我拖著僵硬的身體出門,想辦法讓自己不要面無表情地面對旁人,可我的情緒始終無法掀起任何波瀾。是不是得把自己關起來,小心翼翼地活著,只能在黯淡無光的夜裡,用淚水宣洩。看著每天只能依靠藥物控制情緒的自己,難道不能就這樣結束嗎?我試過一口氣吞下30幾顆安眠藥,被送進急診室,卻發現原來吞藥死不了人。

I hear them say I've changed a lot.

Yes, I have changed a lot. I used to be a cheerful and smiling girl, but I don’t know where to start. I became very concerned about other people’s eyes, to the point where I would be in a state of tension all the time. It feels like if I take a wrong step or take a slow pace, I will lose a lot to the people around me. All kinds of pressure have caused me to suffer from depression and self-discipline disorders. I always thought I was strong, but everything that happened told me that I was actually fragile.

Depression is not something you can control, it has no warning, and it cannot be prevented. 

It's like coughing, it won't get better if you cough, but you can't hold it back. It's been a long time since I've been able to sleep soundly, and I haven't eaten properly for a long time. Because of taking the medicine, the symptoms of hand tremors and memory fragmentation became more and more serious. All the food tasted like chewing plastic in my mouth, tasteless. Day after day, 

I dragged my stiff body to go out, trying to keep myself from facing others with a blank face, 

but my emotions were still unable to cause any waves. Do you have to lock yourself up and live carefully, only to vent with tears in the dark night. Looking at myself who can only rely on drugs to control my emotions every day, can't it just end like this? I tried to swallow more than 30 sleeping pills in one breath, and was sent to the emergency room, only to find that swallowing pills could not kill anyone.

那天回醫院複診,恍惚之間聽到醫生診斷出我又多了一項輕微躁鬱症,當下的感受我不知道如何描述,只覺得頭好重,想趕快離開醫院。前一秒的我很平靜,可當我踏出門口的那一步,眼淚就自己流下來了,絕望、壓抑、無助、難熬,瞬間一齊湧了上來。我淚流滿面地握著龍頭,不斷加速,腦中有個聲音說著 「再騎快一點、快一點⋯」,感覺路過了好幾個紅燈,但最後還是被理智拉了回來。開始發現每件難受的事情正在慢慢累積,到最後都痛苦的讓我不得不放棄人生,只求片刻的平靜和解脫。我又何嘗沒有想過找回從前的那個自己呢,但我和她之間的距離好遠、好遠,在我努力往上伸手試著抓住她時,腦海裡的怪物總會出現並將我拖回無底深淵。

When I went back to the hospital for a follow-up visit that day, I heard that the doctor had diagnosed me with another mild bipolar disorder. I don't know how to describe the current feeling. 

I just felt a heavy headache and wanted to leave the hospital as soon as possible. I was very calm a second ago, but when I took a step out of the door, tears flowed down by myself. 

Despair, depression, helplessness, and hardship all rushed up in an instant. I held the faucet with tears streaming down my face, and kept accelerating. There was a voice in my head saying "Ride faster, faster...", I felt that I passed several red lights, but I was finally pulled back by reason. I began to find that every uncomfortable thing was slowly accumulating, and in the end it was so painful that I had to give up my life, just looking for a moment of peace and relief. Why haven't I thought about getting back to my former self, but the distance between me and her is so far away. When I try to reach up and try to grab her, the monster in my mind will always appear and will drag me back into the abyss. 

現在的我,看淡了所有人際關係,遇到了任何難諒的人和事,也不想花力氣去憎惡了。活在這個我最熟悉的黑暗中,不需要遷就任何人,更無需強迫自己理解,好像能減少一些痛苦。我知道這一路上許多遭遇都歸咎於我的性格與選擇,最終造成的結果是我自己要負的責任,卻也不想再盲目的執著這一切了。我突然明白,原來那些說要尋死的人不是真的想死,而是痛苦到不得不死。我討厭這個世界,它沒有帶給我歡笑和希望,反而把我生命中那曾經熠熠生輝的光芒掩蓋住。如果今天就是餘生,能不能自私一次,不需要懂事、不需要善解人意,只想要更多樂的笑聲、想留在喜歡的地方、想看見心裡在乎的人、想嗅世界的氣味、想跟自己說聲謝謝。

Now, I look down on all interpersonal relationships, and I don’t want to spend effort to hate any unforgivable people and things I encounter. Living in the darkness I am most familiar with, without accommodating anyone, let alone forcing myself to understand, seems to reduce some pain. I know that many encounters along the way are due to my personality and choices, and the final result is my own responsibility, but I don't want to be blindly obsessed with all these. I suddenly understood that those who said they wanted to die didn't really want to die, but were so painful that they had to die. I hate this world, instead of bringing me laughter and hope, it hides the bright light in my life. If today is the rest of my life, can I be selfish for once, I don’t need to be sensible, I don’t need to be empathetic, I just want more laughter, I want to stay in the place I like, I want to see the people I care about, I want to smell the smell of the world, I want to say thank you to myself.

然後,讓我沉入海底吧。

Then, let me sink to the bottom of the ocean.

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Cement 水泥

水泥製的物品都具有十足的重量感,再加上不透光的特性,好似封閉幽暗又沈重的世界。雖說外表堅硬,內心卻是這世界最脆弱的存在,在黑暗裡摸索不到方向,沒有任何辦法去改變現狀,極為無助。

Cement made items have a full sense of weight, coupled with the characteristics of opaque. It seems to be a closed, dark and heavy world. Though the appearance is hard, the heart is actually the most fragile existence in the world. We cannot find the direction in the dark, and there is no way to change the status quo, which is extremely helpless.

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