CASE – Driftwood

「我們是被社會遺棄的一群人」

有時候賺到了一點小錢，我會去便利商店買一碗熱呼呼的泡麵；面對無數次的失業時，只能拼命的想辦法去找到下個能餬口飯吃的機會。看著路上的人們似乎都有著歸宿，再回過頭來看看自己，這輩子只能這樣流浪了吧。

Sometimes when I make a little money, I will go to the convenience store to buy a bowl of hot instant noodles; when faced with countless times of unemployment, I can only desperately find a way to find the next opportunity to make a living. Looking at the people on the road, it seems that they all have their own destinations, and looking back at myself, I can only wander like this in this life.

1/18，離今年的農曆新年剩下幾天，

我們行走在熙來攘往的艋舺街頭，尋找讓漂流故事更多元的可能。

以冬季來說那天的陽光耀眼的有點過頭，進到超商打算買瓶冰水解渴，正排隊結帳時聽到前面的顧客差了二十塊不夠付，看著這位大叔慌張的模樣，我拿出零錢幫他結了帳。透過這樣的契機，我們和大叔有了更近一步的交流，得知原來他是這邊的街友。

On 1/18, there are a few days left before the Lunar New Year this year, we are walking on the bustling streets of Mengka, looking for possibilities to make the drifting story more diverse.

In winter, the sun was too dazzling that day. I entered the supermarket and planned to buy a bottle of ice water to quench my thirst. When I was queuing up to check out, I heard that the customer in front of me was twenty yuan short of paying. Seeing the panicked appearance of this uncle, he took out the change and settled the bill for him. Through this opportunity, we had a closer communication with the uncle and learned that he is a street person here.

「謝謝你們願意幫助我，這裡的住戶總是把我們當成亂源，拒我們於千里之外。」

大叔和藹地笑著說道，這裡每每發生動亂，街友們都會被扣上現行犯的帽子，即使一切都是一般住戶所做的。聽到大叔說通常白天他們都要上班後我很訝異，我以為街友都是無業遊民，才知道他們也是有在工作賺錢的，只不過大多是做臨時工或舉牌員的工作。也是，倘若沒有工作、社會上給予的幫助也不足，該怎麼支撐到現在呢？而每個遊民都有屬於他們的故事，大叔以前是一名建築工人，但自從染上肺病後呼吸容易遇到困難，無法再繼續搬運重物的工作，國中就輟學工作的他也知道成為白領上班族的機會微乎其微。

身邊的家人早在幾十年前就相繼離世，加上身上的存款無法負擔每月的房租費，只好開始了露宿街頭的生活。有社工來問過要不要去住收容所，依稀記得第一次被詢問是在寒流來襲的時期，猶豫很久還是答應了，當時的室友是個會尿失禁的阿伯，尿騷味跟其他異味一起充斥整間房。收容所為了維持秩序也制定了很多規範。「光是門禁、禁止菸酒對我來說就如同被關在監獄裡的犯人一樣。」大叔高亢的嗓音表達了對自由的渴望，最終還是選擇了回到街邊住下。對於這些遊民來說，在這個社會經歷了各種動盪和漂流，受盡了屈辱和欺負。路上經過的行人用冷嘲熱諷的口氣對大叔評頭論足，也曾遇過好幾次小混混喝了酒來打擾他們睡覺，甚至會把他們叫起來用不入耳的言語或動手動腳欺負他們。

"Thank you for your willingness to help me. The residents here always regard us as a source of chaos and reject us thousands of miles away."

The uncle smiled kindly and said that whenever there is turmoil here, the street friends will be labeled as active criminals, even if everything is done by ordinary residents. I was surprised when I heard the uncle say that they usually have to go to work during the day. I thought the homeless people were all unemployed, so I realized that they are also working to make money, but most of them are temporary workers or sign bearers. Also, if there is no job and the help from society is minimal, how can I support it until now? And every homeless person has their own story. The uncle used to be a construction worker, but since he contracted lung disease, he has difficulty breathing and can no longer continue to carry heavy objects. He also knows that he has become a white-collar worker since he dropped out of junior high school. The chances for office workers are slim to none.

The family members around me passed away decades ago, and the savings on my body could not afford the monthly rent, so I had no choice but to start a life of sleeping on the streets.

A social worker came to ask if he wanted to live in a shelter. He vaguely remembered that the first time he was asked was when the cold snap hit. After hesitating for a long time, he agreed. The roommate at that time was an uncle with urinary incontinence, and the smell of urine and other peculiar smells filled the room. The shelter has also formulated many regulations in order to maintain order. "The access control and the prohibition of smoking and drinking are like prisoners in prison to me." The uncle's high-pitched voice expressed his desire for freedom, and finally chose to return to the street to live. For these vagrants, they have experienced all kinds of turbulence and drift in this society, and suffered humiliation and bullying. Pedestrians passing by on the road commented on the uncle in a sarcastic tone, and met several times when young gangsters drank alcohol to disturb their sleep, and even called them up to bully them with offensive words or hands and feet.

「我很想念我逝去的家人，也很希望自己趕快賺夠錢，有能力每天溫飽自己、給自己一個家，寒冬的夜裡不用依靠一層又一層的紙箱來取暖，但這個社會總是對遊民充滿惡意，應徵上的工作總是會因為各種偏見常常做兩三天就被辭退了。」

"I miss my family members who have passed away, and I really hope that I can earn enough money to be able to feed myself every day and give myself a home. I don't have to rely on layers of cardboard boxes to keep warm in the cold winter nights, but this society is always full of homeless people. Maliciousness, the job I applied for is always due to various prejudices, and I am often dismissed after two or three days.”

我們買了一些可以讓大叔解決這兩天溫飽的食物後與他告別。在我的印象裡，先入為主的認為遊民們會像媒體和刻板印象一樣危險跟好吃懶做，而經過和大叔的對談我才發現他們也很認真的想活下去，努力的溫飽自己。

We bid farewell to uncle after buying some food that would allow him to get enough food and clothing for the past two days. In my impression, I preconceived that homeless people are as dangerous and lazy as the media and stereotypes, but after talking with the uncle, I found that they also really want to live and work hard to feed themselves.

「好想告別這段和藍天白雲擁抱的日子」

走過一座又一座的城市，看了許多的風景，曾看過極地的永晝之光，也曾恰巧見證了流星畫過天際。可身邊的人永遠是擦身而過的過客，我一個人孤獨的浮沉著，心中有滿出來的各種情緒卻找不到出口宣洩。

I walked through one city after another, saw many landscapes, saw the eternal light of the polar region, and happened to witness meteors painting the sky. But the people around me are always passers-by, and I am floating alone, with all kinds of emotions in my heart but I can't find an outlet to vent.

「各位旅客您好，歡迎登機，預計空中飛行時間是13小時。」

又是一段漫長的時間呢，廣播完後我將話筒放下，同時也收起了我的微笑。當了空服員後把強顏歡笑這四個字發揮得淋漓盡致，旁人總認為空姐是一份光鮮亮麗的職業，起初我也是這麼想的，對於這個身份抱有很大的期望及憧憬。在正式成為空服員前有無數次的考試，一不小心做錯了一個小動作將會面臨淘汰，身邊同期的朋友好多個都在我身旁接到電話通知明天不用來了，當時的壓力和懼怕刻骨銘心，是我永遠無法遺忘的感受。我想著只要再更努力撐下去，就能實現我的夢想了，而我也真的做到了。

"Hello passengers, welcome to board the plane. The estimated flight time is 13 hours."

It was a long time again. After the broadcast, I put down the microphone and put away my smile at the same time. After becoming a flight attendant, I used the four characters of strong face and laughter to the fullest. Others always think that being a flight attendant is a glamorous profession. At first, I thought so too, and I had great expectations and longings for this identity. Before officially becoming a flight attendant, there are countless exams. If you accidentally make a small mistake, you will face elimination. Many friends in the same period around me received a call telling you not to come tomorrow. The pressure and fear at that time is unforgettable, it is a feeling that I will never forget. I thought that as long as I worked harder, I could realize my dream, and I did.

開始了我的第一趟飛行後不久，便遇上疫情，正處於高峰期導致所有人都很慌恐，飛機裡無論是乘客或空服員都帶著緊張的氣息，深怕一個疏忽就被感染。也因此在我工作結束抵達台灣後都不敢回家接觸家人，即使航班大減我仍然住在防疫旅館或租屋處，不敢冒險回家和親朋好友見面，那是我第一次後悔自己選擇這個職業，卻也無能為力。今年疫情趨緩，航班也開始正常，我以為自己會恢復以往對空服員的熱忱，殊不知加班熬夜、照顧乘客、端盤子、清理廁所等等這些繁雜瑣事讓我更加力不從心。

從一開始的上飛機，為求生存就必須應擠出笑容和大家社交，嚴重的學姊制讓我必須承擔一些酸言酸語；遇到無理取鬧的乘客已是常態了，一向討厭和陌生人肢體接觸的我得忍受著乘客直接拍打我的不適、航班延誤時被乘客罵哭仍要笑著勸他們消氣。這份工作在我心中逐漸的變質，到現在已經是一昧的在忍耐了。

Not long after I started my first flight, I encountered the epidemic. It was at its peak and everyone panicked. Both the passengers and the flight attendants in the plane were nervous of being infected due to one mistake. Therefore, after I arrived in Taiwan after work, I didn’t dare to go home to meet my family. Even if the flight was greatly reduced, I still stayed in the anti-epidemic hotel or rented a house, and I didn’t dare to take the risk of going home to meet relatives and friends. That was the first time I regretted choosing this career, but there is nothing I can do.

This year, the epidemic has slowed down and flights have begun to return to normal. I thought I would regain my enthusiasm for being a flight attendant. However, I didn’t know that such complicated and trivial tasks as working overtime and staying up late, taking care of passengers, serving dishes, cleaning toilets, etc. made me even more powerless.

From the very beginning when I got on the plane, I had to smile and socialize with everyone in order to survive. The severe school sister system made me have to bear some bitter words; encountering unreasonable passengers is normal, and I have always hated talking to strangers I have to endure the discomfort of being slapped directly by passengers when I have physical contact, and I have to laugh and persuade them to calm down when they are scolded and cried by passengers when the flight is delayed. This job has gradually deteriorated in my heart, and I have been enduring it until now.

身邊永遠是不認識的同事讓我找不到歸屬感外，也感覺自己很孤獨，

朋友的聚餐我總因為要去機場報到而提早離開，因為需要隨時待命以防突發狀況，在朋友眼裡我變成了言而無信的人，慢慢的他們和我漸行漸遠。前一個月在航程當中和交往了六年的男朋友分手了，這個月當我遠在美國時收到了從小陪我長大的爺爺離世的消息，一切對我來說都是好大的打擊，可我卻什麼都做不了，每每情緒湧上心頭時，依舊要忍著所有的悲傷和眼淚，擠出笑容和耐心，散發正面的電波給乘客。

I will always be surrounded by colleagues I don’t know, so I can’t find a sense of belonging,

and I feel lonely. I always leave early because I have to report to the airport for dinner with my friends, because I need to be on call at any time in case of emergencies. In the eyes of my friends I became a person who broke my promise, and slowly they drifted away from me.

A month ago, I broke up with my boyfriend who had been with me for six years during the voyage. This month, when I was far away in the United States, I received the news that my grandfather who grew up with me passed away. Everything was a big blow to me, but I can't do anything. Whenever emotions come to my heart, I still have to endure all the sadness and tears, squeeze out a smile and patience, and send positive waves to the passengers.

放棄的念頭在最近不斷浮現，可我卻不敢真正的執行，我害怕自己什麼都不會，沒有了這份工作回歸到社會會被遺棄；擔心自己放下這段漂流的旅途後會不適應固定的生活。種種的煩惱都讓我無所適從，我沒有勇氣做出我內心深處最想做的決定，只能繼續過著忍耐的生活，用我佯裝出來的笑容和溫柔面對每一位乘客。

The idea of giving up has been emerging recently, but I dare not actually implement it.

I am afraid that I will not know anything, and I will be abandoned when I return to society without this job. I am also worried that I can’t adapt to my life after giving up on this drifting journey. All kinds of troubles made me at a loss. I didn't have the courage to make the decision I wanted to make most in my heart. I could only continue to live a life of patience and face every passenger with my pretended smile and tenderness.

「努力和看不見的敵人抗爭著」

我知道想改變明天，那今天的我就得要有所行動，我真的都明白，也盡全力了，但為什麼一切都跟昨天一樣，任何變化都沒有呢？只有對以前的自己感到更抱歉，對不起，把那個開朗的妳丟失了。

I know that if I want to change tomorrow, I have to take action today. I really understand and try my best, but why is everything the same as yesterday, without any change? I only feel more sorry for my former self, sorry for losing that cheerful you.

我聽到他們說我變了好多。

是啊，我變了好多，曾經我也是一個開朗又愛笑的女孩，卻不曉得從何開始，我變得很在意他人眼光，在意到會讓自己無時無刻處於緊張狀態的程度。感覺好像踏錯一步、慢了一拍，就會輸身邊的人一大截，種種壓力讓我罹患了憂鬱症跟自律神經失調。我一直以為自己是堅強的，但發生的這一切訴說著其實我很脆弱。

憂鬱症不是自己能控制的，它沒有預兆、也不能預防。它就像咳嗽，咳了不會比較好，但也沒辦法忍住。已經好久沒能安穩的睡一覺，好久沒有好好的吃東西了。因為吃藥，手抖和記憶斷片的症狀越發嚴重，所有食物在我嘴裡就像嚼塑膠般，食之無味。日復一日的，我拖著僵硬的身體出門，想辦法讓自己不要面無表情地面對旁人，可我的情緒始終無法掀起任何波瀾。是不是得把自己關起來，小心翼翼地活著，只能在黯淡無光的夜裡，用淚水宣洩。看著每天只能依靠藥物控制情緒的自己，難道不能就這樣結束嗎？我試過一口氣吞下30幾顆安眠藥，被送進急診室，卻發現原來吞藥死不了人。

I hear them say I've changed a lot.

Yes, I have changed a lot. I used to be a cheerful and smiling girl, but I don’t know where to start. I became very concerned about other people’s eyes, to the point where I would be in a state of tension all the time. It feels like if I take a wrong step or take a slow pace, I will lose a lot to the people around me. All kinds of pressure have caused me to suffer from depression and self-discipline disorders. I always thought I was strong, but everything that happened told me that I was actually fragile.

Depression is not something you can control, it has no warning, and it cannot be prevented.

It's like coughing, it won't get better if you cough, but you can't hold it back. It's been a long time since I've been able to sleep soundly, and I haven't eaten properly for a long time. Because of taking the medicine, the symptoms of hand tremors and memory fragmentation became more and more serious. All the food tasted like chewing plastic in my mouth, tasteless. Day after day,

I dragged my stiff body to go out, trying to keep myself from facing others with a blank face,

but my emotions were still unable to cause any waves. Do you have to lock yourself up and live carefully, only to vent with tears in the dark night. Looking at myself who can only rely on drugs to control my emotions every day, can't it just end like this? I tried to swallow more than 30 sleeping pills in one breath, and was sent to the emergency room, only to find that swallowing pills could not kill anyone.

那天回醫院複診，恍惚之間聽到醫生診斷出我又多了一項輕微躁鬱症，當下的感受我不知道如何描述，只覺得頭好重，想趕快離開醫院。前一秒的我很平靜，可當我踏出門口的那一步，眼淚就自己流下來了，絕望、壓抑、無助、難熬，瞬間一齊湧了上來。我淚流滿面地握著龍頭，不斷加速，腦中有個聲音說著「再騎快一點、快一點⋯」，感覺路過了好幾個紅燈，但最後還是被理智拉了回來。開始發現每件難受的事情正在慢慢累積，到最後都痛苦的讓我不得不放棄人生，只求片刻的平靜和解脫。我又何嘗沒有想過找回從前的那個自己呢，但我和她之間的距離好遠、好遠，在我努力往上伸手試著抓住她時，腦海裡的怪物總會出現並將我拖回無底深淵。

When I went back to the hospital for a follow-up visit that day, I heard that the doctor had diagnosed me with another mild bipolar disorder. I don't know how to describe the current feeling.

I just felt a heavy headache and wanted to leave the hospital as soon as possible. I was very calm a second ago, but when I took a step out of the door, tears flowed down by myself.

Despair, depression, helplessness, and hardship all rushed up in an instant. I held the faucet with tears streaming down my face, and kept accelerating. There was a voice in my head saying "Ride faster, faster...", I felt that I passed several red lights, but I was finally pulled back by reason. I began to find that every uncomfortable thing was slowly accumulating, and in the end it was so painful that I had to give up my life, just looking for a moment of peace and relief. Why haven't I thought about getting back to my former self, but the distance between me and her is so far away. When I try to reach up and try to grab her, the monster in my mind will always appear and will drag me back into the abyss.

現在的我，看淡了所有人際關係，遇到了任何難諒的人和事，也不想花力氣去憎惡了。活在這個我最熟悉的黑暗中，不需要遷就任何人，更無需強迫自己理解，好像能減少一些痛苦。我知道這一路上許多遭遇都歸咎於我的性格與選擇，最終造成的結果是我自己要負的責任，卻也不想再盲目的執著這一切了。我突然明白，原來那些說要尋死的人不是真的想死，而是痛苦到不得不死。我討厭這個世界，它沒有帶給我歡笑和希望，反而把我生命中那曾經熠熠生輝的光芒掩蓋住。如果今天就是餘生，能不能自私一次，不需要懂事、不需要善解人意，只想要更多樂的笑聲、想留在喜歡的地方、想看見心裡在乎的人、想嗅世界的氣味、想跟自己說聲謝謝。

Now, I look down on all interpersonal relationships, and I don’t want to spend effort to hate any unforgivable people and things I encounter. Living in the darkness I am most familiar with, without accommodating anyone, let alone forcing myself to understand, seems to reduce some pain. I know that many encounters along the way are due to my personality and choices, and the final result is my own responsibility, but I don't want to be blindly obsessed with all these. I suddenly understood that those who said they wanted to die didn't really want to die, but were so painful that they had to die. I hate this world, instead of bringing me laughter and hope, it hides the bright light in my life. If today is the rest of my life, can I be selfish for once, I don’t need to be sensible, I don’t need to be empathetic, I just want more laughter, I want to stay in the place I like, I want to see the people I care about, I want to smell the smell of the world, I want to say thank you to myself.

然後，讓我沉入海底吧。

Then, let me sink to the bottom of the ocean.

「忙碌的生活讓我感到好疲累」

從原本擁有的一間店面淪落到需要在小攤車上做生意，一切都很不固定，哪裡有人潮我就往哪裡漂。日復一日的努力只為了有能力回到原本穩定的生活，將父親的遺願追尋回來，和家人健康的有個避風港就足夠了。

From the reduction of a store I originally owned to the need to do business on a small cart, everything is very unstable, and I drift wherever there are crowds. The hard work for day after day is just for being able to return to the original stable life, to pursue my father's last wish, and to have a safe haven with my family and health is enough.

「臭豆腐、肉羹麵線、豆花。」我開著這台小攤車在一條又一條的巷弄裡穿梭、拼命叫賣著。

三十年前我從父親手上承接了這個事業，位於深坑的小店面是父親一輩子的心血，在他臨終前我答應他會好好經營下去。生意一直都不算太好，畢竟周遭競爭者有太多，我們也不算特別有名氣的，但收入至少還能支撐著我們一家子。直到三年前疫情襲來，對於我們這種客源百分之七十是外國人的商家來說是很大的打擊，從原本收入過剩到後來完全和開銷打平，起初還算過得去，但迎面而來的卻是母親和妻子相繼生病，那一年又正逢我們家兒子考大學，學費、治療費、伙食費等等壓得我喘不過氣，當時我做了一個決定，就是把店面出售，支付完所有費用後我用剩餘的錢買了一台貨車，並將它打造成行動臭豆腐車。

"Stinky tofu, vermicelli with pork-meat stew, bean curd." I drove this small cart through one alley after another, hawking desperately. Thirty years ago, I took over this business from my father. The small store in Shenkeng was my father's lifelong painstaking effort. Before he died,

I promised him that I would continue to manage it well. The business has not been very good. After all, there are too many competitors around us, and we are not particularly famous, but the income can at least support our family. Until the outbreak of the epidemic three years ago, it was a big blow to businesses like us whose customers were 70% foreigners.

From the original surplus of income to the complete balance of expenses, it was still passable at first, but what happened to me was that my mother and wife got sick one after another. That year, our son was going to college, and the tuition fees, treatment fees, food expenses, etc. weighed me down. At that time, I made a decision to sell the store, paid everything and used the rest of the money to buy a van and build it into an action stinky tofu truck.

每週都有固定幾天我和兒子會一起出攤，照著我們規劃好的路線停靠，一開始是沒有多少人會來買的，也賺不到什麼錢，甚至還倒賠錢。因為停靠的點總是在路邊，或是夜市出入口，想著是臨時的所以沒有特別申請，有一次被警察抓了個正著，在他開單時我苦苦哀求，可惜沒有用，我也的確做錯了，就這樣損失了一筆費用。

There are fixed days every week that my son and I will set up a stall together and stop along the route we planned. At the beginning, not many people would come to buy, and we couldn’t make much money, and even lost money. Because the docking point is always on the side of the road, or the entrance and exit of the night market, I thought it was temporary, so I didn’t apply for it. Once I was caught by the police. I begged him hard when he billed, but it was useless. It is true that I did something wrong, and I lost a sum of money in this way.

時間久了，和一些常出沒區域的住戶熟識、打好關係，

我的大聲公響起時他們便會拿著自備的鍋子，來和我點餐並且寒暄幾句。

曾經遇到過一位媽媽，看見我兒子努力的在一旁幫忙，感動到她，並和我更深入的聊天，我從最初繼承家業的過程聊到此刻開的小攤車。或許是天色暗了我看不清，但她的淚水似乎在眼眶打轉著。三天後我又開到了這個社區叫賣，再次見到了這位媽媽，她在結帳時和我說了句加油同時遞給我一包信封袋，我再清楚不過那裡面裝的是什麼，我一口回絕。無論生活在怎麼悲催我都不想平白無故接受他人的金援，可能還需要一段時間，但我相信自己始終會撐過去的。我單純接受了她的鼓勵和心意，在心中期許著自己能一步一步的更好。

After a long time, I got acquainted with and established a good relationship with some residents in the frequented areas. When my loud voice sounded, they would come to order food with me and exchange a few words with me with their own pots. I once met a mother who saw my son working hard to help. She was moved and had a more in-depth chat with me. I talked about the process of inheriting the family business from the beginning to the small stall car I drive now. Maybe it was dark and I couldn't see clearly, but her tears seemed to be rolling in her eyes. Three days later, I drove to this community to sell again, and I saw this mother again. She said cheers to me and handed me a pack of envelopes at the checkout. I refused straight away. No matter how miserable my life is, I don't want to accept financial assistance from others for no reason. It may take a while, but I believe that I will always get through it. I simply accepted her encouragement and kindness, hoping in my heart that I could improve step by step.

現在收入仍然不多，我也不敢奢求，只要一天能讓我們全家人三餐吃飽就夠了。

雖然兒子也開始打工賺點錢替我減輕負擔，但最近一直想著是不是應該再去找份兼職呢？我想把爸爸那間店鋪再買回來，那可是他畢生最大的資產，我卻因為自己遇到的困難而將它賣掉，從售出的那一刻起我心中一直存在著一份愧疚感。即便我這樣想著，好像還是很難去執行，要照顧臥床的母親和妻子，又得每天出攤，若是要再找份兼職，這樣的生活確實太令我分身乏術了⋯⋯。

Now the income is still not much, and I don’t dare to ask extravagantly, as long as I can feed my whole family three meals a day, that’s enough. Although my son also started to work part-time to earn some money to relieve my burden, recently I have been thinking whether I should find another part-time job? I wanted to buy my dad's shop back, which was his greatest asset in his life, but I sold it because of the difficulties I encountered. From the moment I sold it, I have always had a sense of guilt in my heart. Even if I think so, it seems that it is still difficult to implement.

I have to take care of my bedridden mother and wife, and I have to work every day. If I want to find another part-time job, this kind of life really makes me have no skills...

「從此以後是沒有爸爸的孩子了」

原來人真的能在一瞬間成長，原來所謂觸景傷情是這樣的感受。少了爸爸的疼愛，也再也不能抱著媽媽訴說我的委屈，因為我知道她比我更需要安慰，只能任由內心四處遊蕩，不敢接受任何人的關心。

It turns out that people can really grow up in an instant, and it turns out that the so-called "touching the scene" is such a feeling. Without my dad's love, I can no longer hug my mom and tell my grievances, because I know that she needs comfort more than me. So I can only let my heart wander around and dare not accept anyone's care.

一場肺炎奪走了好多我們本該擁有的，甚至在沒有任何預告之下，奪走了我的爸爸。

疫情剛開始的那一年，我離開彰化上台北實習，半工半讀的生活讓我忙得焦頭爛額，但身邊的家人朋友以及目標都是促使我繼續往前的動力。

爸爸患有癌症一段時間了，卻剛好在這時被診斷出到了第四期，我一直很希望自己趕快有能力讓爸爸無需再辛苦工作，好好享福，只可惜計畫依舊趕不上變化。記得事發前一陣子，爸爸曾和我提議說要全家一起出遊，內心難免有些惴惴不安，畢竟他平常對於出去玩的話題總是一口回絕，我知道他是因為擔心自己體力不支，害怕拖累我們。一直祈禱著心中這份不安不會實現，看著他努力做治療不讓癌細胞擴散，我堅信著還能再堅持一段時間、還能和他一起完成很多事。

A pandemic took a lot of what we should have, even including my dad without any warning.

In the first year of the pandemic, I left Changhua and went to Taipei for my internship. The part-time work and study life kept me busy, but the families and friends around me were the motivation driving me to move forward. My dad has been suffering from cancer for a while, but he was diagnosed with the fourth stage at this time. I have always hoped that I will be able to let my dad no longer have to work hard and enjoy the blessings, but unfortunately the plan still cannot keep up with the changes. I remember that a while before the incident, my father suggested to me that the whole family should go on a trip together, and I felt uneasy. After all, he always refused the topic of hanging out. I know he was worried about his physical strength and fear of being dragged down us. I have been praying that the uneasiness in my heart will not come true, and watching him work hard to treat the cancer to prevent the cancer from spreading, I firmly believe that I can persist for a while, and I can accomplish many things with him.

7/31，是爸爸確診的那天，他傳訊息和我說了好幾次的沒事，而我也沒多想便早早休息了。

凌晨四點多我接到媽媽的電話，她說爸爸在急診室快不行了，已經簽了放棄急救同意書，我才意識到爸爸真的快離開了，急匆匆地收拾行李一路開車南下，抵達的時間是早上6點多，可是一切都來不及了，等待我的只剩下哭得肝腸寸斷的媽媽，衣服上沾染著方才急救時因血管爆裂被潑濺到的紅。再進到醫院看到爸爸的大體，一切都好不真實，半開的眼睛，或許是在等我吧。

「爸爸我來了，你可以把眼睛閉起來了」，我伸手想將他的雙眼闔上，並拿起我買的新拖鞋穿在他赤裸的腳上，要一路好走啊，這也是我為他做的最後一件事情了。由於是確診身亡，醫院一直想將我從爸爸身邊趕走不讓我接觸，我跪下來求了好久，他們才肯讓我和爸爸說說話。

July 31st, it was the day that my dad got diagnosed. He texted and told me that he was fine multiple times. I didn’t think too much and went to bed early. I got my mom’s phone call at 4 a.m. She said that my dad was dying in the emergency room and she should be ready to sign the consent form to waive the first aid. At that moment, I realized my dad was leaving soon. I hurriedly packed my luggage and drove all the way south. The time of arrival was around 6:00 in the morning, but everything was too late. The only thing left waiting for me was my crying mom, whose clothes were stained with red splashed by a burst blood vessel during the first aid. Then I went to the hospital and saw my dad’'s general appearance. Everything was so unreal. One of his eyes was half-opened, and I thought that probably meant he was waiting for me. "Daddy, I'm here, you can close your eyes now", I reached out to close his eyes, and picked up the new slippers I bought and put them on his bare feet. I wished he could leave smoothly since it was the last thing I did for him. Because he passed away with coronavirus, the hospital always wanted to drive me away from my dad and not let me have any contact with him. I knelt down and begged for a long time before they allowed me to talk to my dad.

那一個禮拜過得渾渾噩噩，難以消化爸爸過世之餘還要背起照顧媽媽的責任，我覺得當時的媽媽比我更像小孩。為了不要讓親戚覺得我們很脆弱、同情我們，所以我不會在外人面前流淚。感覺自己一瞬間長大了好多，可其實我並不想，我也想繼續當爸爸的小女孩。失去了爸爸，我的生活變得好空虛、吃不下，腦海充斥著負面的想法，偶爾浮現著要是我能和爸爸一起走就好了。手邊有些他生前留下的信物，他曾在我生日送我的項鍊、畢業時送我的手錶等等，過往每個重要的時刻都有他陪伴在我身旁，可惜日後爸爸只存在我回憶裡了。

I spent that week in a muddle, and it was hard to digest the responsibility of taking care of my mom after my dad passed away. I felt that my mom was more like a child than me at that time. In order not to make my relatives feel that we were weak and sympathetic, I would not let my tears go out in front of people. I feel that I have grown up a lot in an instant, but in fact I don't want to, I just want to be my dad's little girl. After losing my dad, my life felt so empty and overwhelmed with negative thoughts. Sometimes, I will have the occasional thought that if only I could leave with my dad. There are some keepsakes left by him during his lifetime, such as the necklace he gave me on my birthday, the watch he gave me when I graduated, etc. He was by my side at every important moment in the past, but it is a pity that my dad will only exist in my memory in the future.

我會好好生活，我答應你會把每天都當成最後一天，我會像你一樣聽從自己的內心活著。

但我無法控制自己的思念，當我想你想到心如刀絞時，也只剩崩潰大哭能緩解我悲傷的情緒了。

I will live a good life. I promise you that I will treat every day as if it’s my last day. I will follow my heart and live my life, just like you. But I can’t control my thoughts. When I think of you like stabbing my own heart, I can only relieve my sadness by crying and breaking down.

「我永遠都覺得自己還不夠」

正因為不足、不夠，所以必須付出比別人加倍的努力，我得用時間和意志力來彌補缺憾的地方。就這樣流浪了十二年之久，好像有了些成就，卻仍舊達不到我想要的模樣。但我相信努力不會和我背道而馳，百分之百的付出總有一天會賜予我完美的自己吧。

Because of the lack and insufficiency, have to work twice as hard as others, and I have to use time and willpower to make up for the shortcomings. I have been wandering like this for twelve years, and I seem to have achieved something, but I still can't achieve what I want. But I believe that hard work will not run in opposite directions, 100% dedication will give me a perfect self one day.

從馬來西亞隻身一人遠赴台灣不知不覺也已經十二年了，

當時高中剛畢業提著一個行李箱、帶著要踏出舒適圈的決心，開啟了我的漂流之路。

第一次離鄉背井，語言問題讓我感到很慌，甚至懷疑自己的選擇。記得剛抵達的三天裡我不小心把手機搞丟了，迎新活動、學長姊說的所有話我都聽不懂，更不知道如何回應，我躱在廁所默默流淚，感覺掉入一個很奇妙的世界，只有自己懂自己。

用電話卡打給了媽媽，她問我要不要現在就訂機票回家？當下很想一口答應，但在我反覆想著「要不要回家」這句話時，卻又覺得不行，我都鼓起勇氣踏出來了，現在退縮豈不是很可惜，我想再撐一下，看看自己到底可不可以。感謝當時的我擁有那樣的決心，才能從完全不會，到畢業前拿下了學校前幾名的成績。這能說是讓我引以為傲的事情了吧，畢竟從零開始、每晚練中文字到三點，是我自己日夜成長的結果啊。

It has been 12 years since I went to Taiwan alone from Malaysia.

At that time, I just graduated from high school and carried a suitcase.

With the determination to step out of my comfort zone, I started my drifting journey. For the first time that I left my hometown, the language problem made me feel very panicked, even doubted my choice. I remember that in the first three days after arrived, I accidentally lost my mobile phone. I couldn't understand all the words that the seniors said during the orientation activities, and I didn't know how to respond. I hid in the toilet and cried silently, feeling like I was falling into a very magical world and I am the only person that understands myself.

I called my mother on the phone card and she asked if I should book a flight home now? At the moment, I really wanted to agree. Yet, when I repeatedly thought about the sentence "Should I go home", I felt that I couldn't do it. I mustered up the courage to step out. Wouldn't it be a pity to back down now? I wanted to hold on a little longer and see if I could make it. Thanks to my determination at that time, I was able to go from not being able to do it at all to getting the top grades in the school before graduation. This can be said to be something I am proud of. After all, starting from scratch and practicing Chinese characters every night until three o'clock is the result of my own growth day and night.

在台灣的這段時間彷彿一直在流浪，從最初在林口落腳、到台南讀書、在高雄找一份工作，直到24歲時收到了大學老師的電話，邀請我去唱廣告demo。一直以來都對唱歌和做音樂很有興趣，因此我接受了這份邀約，又從南往北飄到淡水，似乎也是這個契機開啟了我的逐夢之旅。進入公司前我都我行我素，想唱什麼就唱，可是在正式踏入這行才發現自己的聲音能如此多變，因為限制反而激發了我無限的可能性，原來我的聲音不只能甜美，也能渾厚，亦或是帶點性感。喜怒哀樂也在經歷這段過程後更懂的如何表達，加上我獨自生活，一點一點收集所吸收到的並彙集寫進歌裡，用歌聲和詞曲描繪出我故事的形狀。

During this period of time in Taiwan, I seemed to be wandering all the time.

I settled down in Linkou, studied in Tainan, and found a job in Kaohsiung. Until I received a call from a university teacher at the age of 24, inviting me to sing a commercial demo. I have always been very interested in singing and making music, so I accepted this invitation and drifted from south to north to Danshui. It seems that this opportunity started my dream journey. Before I joined the company, I did my own thing and sang whatever I wanted, but it was only when I officially entered this industry that I realized that my voice can be so changeable, because the limitation has inspired me to infinite possibilities. It turns out that my voice can not only be sweet, but also can be thick, or a little sexy. After going through this process, I also know how to express emotions better. I live alone, collecting and absorbing bit by bit and writing them into songs, using singing and lyrics to describe the shape of my story.

進公司不久後老師問我有沒有意願參加歌唱節目，由於太害怕失敗，連續拒絕了兩屆。

我做任何事一向都需要萬全的準備，覺得準備好了我才有信心面對一切，簡單來說就是個完美主義者吧，某方面來看是好事，但反而會侷限自己去把握新的機會。這對我來說是個新課題，學習即使未來充滿著不確定，也仍要做自己想做的事情，所以我決定勇敢踏出那一步，背著吉他報名了。或許結果不是最好的，但過程所收穫的價値卻遠多於我所想的，無論是和其他歌手的革命情感、在他們身上學到的自信和敬業，還是歌曲釋出後粉絲給我的回饋等等，一切的一切都是無可取代，也證明了我勇敢的選擇是正確的。

Shortly after I joined the company, the teacher asked me if I would like to participate in the singing show. Since I was too afraid of failure, I rejected it for two consecutive sessions. I always need to be fully prepared for everything. I feel that I have the confidence to face everything when I am ready. Simply put, I am a perfectionist, which is a good thing in a way, but it also limits myself to seize new opportunities. This is a new topic for me, learning to do what I want to do even if the future is full of uncertainties, so I decided to take that step bravely and signed up with my guitar on my back. Maybe the result is not the best, but the value gained in the process is far more than what I thought, whether it is the revolutionary emotions with other singers, the confidence and dedication I learned from them, or the feedback fans gave me after the song was released, etc. Everything is irreplaceable, and it also proves that my brave choice is correct.

時至今日有了一些小小的成就，但我依舊覺得自己還不夠，不能就這樣安於現況，因此我離開了原本的公司。為了能繼續留在台灣完成我的夢想，必須先解決迫在眉睫的簽證問題。我四處尋找工作機會，一間又一間的面試，卻不斷碰壁，這大概是最近讓我感到最絕望的事情了，彷彿掉入了另一個黑洞般......

There have been some small achievements so far, but I still feel that I am not enough. I can't be content with the status quo, so I left the original company. In order to continue to stay in Taiwan to fulfill my dream, I must first solve the imminent visa issue. I searched for job opportunities everywhere and did one interview after another, but I kept running into walls. This is probably the most desperate thing I have felt recently, as if I fell into another black hole…

完美主義者習慣看淸前面的路，可現在的我卻是在摸黑走路。

Perfectionists are used to seeing the road ahead, but now I am walking in the dark.

「扛得住涅槃之痛才配得上重生之美」

回頭看當時的每一步都走得好艱難，身兼多職只為了存錢完成夢想、在無親無故的城市中默默地走在街道、情緒湧上時身旁沒有能依靠的對象，只能用淚水來撫平所有的不適應。可這些不開心，都是生活給我的禮物，總會有那麼一天月亮和星星都將為我閃爍著。

Looking back at that time, every step was so difficult. I took multiple jobs just to save money and realize my dreams. I walked silently on the streets in a city with no relatives and no reason, only tears can heal all of the discomfort. But these unhappiness are all gifts from life, and there will always be a day when the moon and stars will shine for me.

時間飛逝，在英國生活已有兩年的時間。

因為家裡環境沒有優渥到有辦法供我出國讀書，我在大學四年拼命打工、實習、拿獎學金，並將這一點一點的錢存下來，終於在我大學畢業那一年憑藉著自己的努力，有能力出國留學，完成我學生時期最後一個願望。

Time flies and I have been living in the UK for two years.

Because my family environment was not good enough to support me to study abroad, I worked hard for four years in college, did internships, received scholarships, and saved this little money. Finally, in the year I graduated from college, I have the ability to study abroad, and fulfill my last wish during my student days with my hard work.

搭了十幾個小時的飛機後出境，這是我第一次拖著三十公斤行李箱一個人踏入歐洲，種種障礙我都做了萬全的心理建設，漸漸變得不再畏懼所有。或許是這座城市太大了，日常中遇到了好多小事情都能讓我心頭一暖。印象中，那天我的心情糟透了，前一天通宵準備的考試沒考好、天空下起了傾盆大雨、路上汽車行駛經過我時輪胎壓到泥巴濺了我一身，這些小事累積起來讓我感到好委屈，卻沒有一個人能聽我訴苦。我含著淚水走在英國的街道上，突然有個媽媽牽著女兒迎面經過我，小女孩身穿粉紅色的雨衣和雨鞋，甜甜的沖著我笑了一下，頓時被那股天真的氣息感染，我下意識也回給她一個發自內心的微笑，即便在前一刻我的情緒仍然是低落的。在英國街頭上接受到了數不盡的善意，當然偶爾也會有些惡意，有些種族歧視者對於華人面孔不友善，他們大聲喝斥著要我滾回亞洲，指著我說出了不堪的言語。

可在這發生的所有，無論好或壞，都讓我真真切切的感受著自己正在為了生活努力的奔波著。

After flying for more than ten hours, I left the country. This was the first time I stepped into Europe alone with a 30kg suitcase. I have done a complete psychological construction for all kinds of obstacles, and gradually I am no longer afraid of everything. Maybe it's because the city is too big, and many small things in my daily life can warm my heart. In my memory, I was in a terrible mood that day. I failed the exam I prepared all night the day before, it rained heavily, and when a car passed me on the road, the tires hit me with mud and splashed all over me. I am so wronged, but no one can listen to my complaints. I was walking on the streets of England with tears in my eyes. Suddenly, a mother led her daughter and passed me. The little girl was wearing a pink raincoat and rain boots. I subconsciously gave her a smile from the bottom of my heart, even though my mood was still low at the previous moment. I have received countless goodwill on the streets of the UK, and of course there are occasional malices. Some racists are not friendly to Chinese faces. They shouted at me to go back to Asia, and pointed at me and said unbearable words. But everything that happened here, no matter good or bad, made me really feel that I was working hard for my life.

在今年生日前夕，爸爸和媽媽突然出現在我宿舍樓下，「這裡可是英國南部不是台灣南部耶！」我心裡默默感動忍著眼淚，爸爸媽媽只為了給我驚喜、看我一眼，一向省吃儉用的他們願意花機票錢搭這麼久的飛機。而他們突如其來的出現也讓我發覺自己長大了，會開始煩惱他們在來的路上有沒有受到什麼委屈、有沒有照顧好自己、會不會吃不慣國外的東西、睡不好等等。這會是我度過最深刻也最感動的一次生日，看到爸爸媽媽不畏艱險的遙遠飛到國外，讓我意識到無論如何我都要學會一個人堅強和獨處，畢竟身處國外求學，身旁的人肯定都很忙碌，在自顧不暇的情況下沒有人有多餘的心力來關心自己。

On my birthday’s eve this year, my dad and mom suddenly appeared downstairs in my dormitory. "This is the south of England, not the south of Taiwan!" Those who are frugal are willing to spend such a long time on the plane. Their sudden appearance also made me realize that I have grown up, I will start to worry about whether they have suffered any grievances on the way here; whether they have taken care of themselves; whether they will not be used to eating foreign food, sleeping well, etc. This will be the most profound and touching birthday I have ever spent. Seeing my parents fly abroad without fear of hardships and dangers made me realize that no matter what, I must learn to be strong and alone. After all, I am studying abroad. The people around me must be very busy, and no one has extra energy to care about themselves when they are too busy to take care of themselves.

獨自離開家鄉這麼長一段時間，一開始我也會不習慣這樣的孤獨，甚至壓力大到瘦了好幾公斤，無數個日夜崩潰大哭卻還是要強裝自己沒事，擦乾眼淚笑著和家人視訊。

After leaving my hometown alone for such a long time, I was not used to this kind of loneliness at first, and I even lost several kilograms due to the pressure. I broke down and cried countless days and nights, but I still had to pretend that I was fine, wiped away my tears, smiled and video chatted with my family.

生活就是如此，總有一團糟的時候，但扛住了涅槃之痛才配得上重生之美。

我很感謝那個哭到眼睛紅腫入睡，醒來卻依然倔強不服輸的自己。

Life is like this, there will always be a mess, but the beauty of rebirth is only worthy of the pain of Nirvana. I am very grateful to the self who cried until his eyes were red and swollen and fell asleep, but still stubbornly refused to admit defeat when he woke up.

「無止盡的漂流讓我真實的感受著生活」

漫無目的的旅程在每個清晨悄無聲息的出發，生命的過客一個接著一個的上車，我背負著將他們送往目的地的使命，偶爾傾聽他們的日常點滴，然後目送他們下車。我走走停停，或南或北，享受著這樣的四處奔波，因為它讓我無暇空虛。

The aimless journey starts quietly every morning, and the passengers of life get on the car one by one. I am shouldering the mission of sending them to their destination, occasionally listening to their daily life, and then watching them get out of the car. I stop and go, or south or north, enjoying this kind of running around, because it makes me have no time to be empty.

算一算退休也五年多了，自從兒子和媳婦跑去中國工作，我便和有著智力障礙的孫子相依為命，學費、醫療費等等必要的開銷也都落在了我身上。去年初我決定出門開計程車，想著能賺一點是一點。

It has been more than five years since I retired. Since my son and his wife went to work in mainland China, I have lived with my mentally handicapped grandson. Necessary expenses such as tuition fees and medical expenses have also fallen on me. At the beginning of last year, I decided to go out and drive a taxi, thinking that I could make a little money.

每天早上送孫子去學校後，就在高樓大廈中穿梭著，有時候一天會開超過12個小時，甚至常有一半的時間都在空轉，但我不覺得辛苦，更不會覺得無聊或沒意義，畢竟待在家也只是對著電視機發呆，倒不如出門晃晃。台北捷運的便利快速以及越來越多線上叫車平台的出現，都讓我們這些開著黃色計程車的客人少之又少、獨自待在車裡的時間多了將近兩倍，但其實蠻享受一個人開車在台北街頭閒晃的時刻。我放著聽了幾十年的洪榮宏光碟片，在每個十字路口等紅燈時看看路上來來往往的人，心情好的時候還會跟著音樂的節奏晃動、哼歌。遇到煩悶的日子，只要開往北邊的海岸線，窗戶搖下來看看海、吹吹風，所有壓抑的情緒似乎都能在這個瞬間煙消雲散。

Every morning after sending my grandson to school, I shuttled among high-rise buildings. Sometimes I would drive for more than 12 hours a day, and even half of the time was idling, but I didn’t feel tired, let alone bored or lacking meaning. After all, staying at home is just staring at the TV in a daze, it is better to go out and hang out. The convenience and speed of the Taipei MRT and the emergence of more and more online car-hailing platforms have made us, who drive yellow taxis, have very few customers. We spend nearly twice as much time alone in the car, but we actually enjoy it. The moment when I was driving alone on the streets of Taipei.

I played and listened to the Hong Rong Hong CD for decades, and watched the people coming and going on the road while waiting for the red light at every intersection. When I was in a good mood, I would shake and hum to the rhythm of the music. On a boring day, as long as you drive to the northern coastline, roll down the window to see the sea and enjoy the breeze, all the depressed emotions seem to disappear in this instant.

開著這台小黃車在各處奔波了一年半，接到的客人有數百種。如果客人願意的話，我很喜歡和他們聊天，聽他們分享這一天發生了些什麼，會有好的也有壞的，接收著每個人不同的心情。時不時也會因為他們的言語而想起過往的自己，將客人載達目的地後我會開去充滿回憶的地方看看，無論是童年時和隔壁鄰居玩耍的老家門口、叛逆期和同學偷偷抽菸的公園、又或者是我人生大半年待的那個工地，雖然如今都已建成一棟棟的高樓，失去了原本的樣貌，但每當經過這些地方仍然能感受到那股熟悉。下班後，我習慣買巷口那間牛肉麵店回家和孫子一起吃，聽著他嬉笑地和我訴說今天在學校遇到的事情，眼前這碗再平凡不過的牛肉麵此刻都成了人間美味。不管他是什麼模樣，只要健健康康的，看著他就能夠治癒我辛勞的一天。

I drove this little yellow car around for a year and a half, and received hundreds of customers.

If the guests are willing, I like to chat with and listen to them sharing what happened on this day, there will be good and bad, and everyone can receive different moods. From time to time, I will think of my past self because of their words. After driving the guests to their destinations, I will drive to places full of memories, whether it is the door of the old house where I played with the neighbors in my childhood, or the park where I secretly smoked with my classmates during the rebellious period; or the construction site where I stayed for half a year in my life. Although tall buildings have been built and lost their original appearance, I can still feel the familiarity whenever I pass these places. After getting off work, I used to buy the food from the beef noodle shop in the alley and go home to eat with my grandson. Listening to him laughingly telling me about what happened at school today, the bowl of beef noodle, which is so ordinary, has become the delicious cuisine at this moment. It doesn't matter what he looks like, as long as he's healthy, looking at him heals my tiring day.

退休前在工地約莫三十幾年了，日復一日地做相同的工作，而計程車司機這個身份帶給我很不一樣的感受，從以往的千篇一律到此刻的漫無目的，一開始單單為了賺些小錢，可真正在這座城市中經歷這樣的四處漂泊後，卻有了說不完的體會。一路上，窗外景色時而繁華、時而安靜；偶爾被炙熱的陽光曝曬著、偶爾會有暗淡的烏雲籠罩在上方；上車的客人有面露陰鬱的、有些出言無狀，可更多的是僅僅帶著微笑和溫暖上車，就能給予我力量以及幸福的人生過客。

Before I retired, I worked on the construction site for more than 30 years. I did the same job day after day, but being a taxi driver gave me a very different feeling. I just want to earn a little money in the beginning, but after really experiencing such wandering around in this city, I have an endless experience. Along the way, the scenery outside the window is sometimes bustling and sometimes quiet; It is a passer-by in life who can give me strength and happiness just by getting into the car with a smile and warmth.

看到路上為了招攬我而晃動的手，我總是心懷期待的往街邊停靠，期待著接下來迎接的將會是什麼樣的客人呢？

Seeing the hands shaking on the road to attract me, I always stop by the street with anticipation, looking forward to what kind of guests will be greeted next?

「所有遺憾都是成全」

別人正玩樂的青春歲月裡，我卻早已嚐遍苦辣酸甜。經歷這社會上各式各樣的衝撞，一路成長至今也年過半百了，生活除了一如往常的努力賺錢，還多了一份為家庭的犧牲。但人生就是如此吧，有遺憾才會有成全。

In my youthful years when others were having fun, I have already tasted bitterness, hotness, sourness and sweetness. After experiencing all kinds of conflicts in this society, I have grown up all the way and am now over fifty years old. In addition to working hard to make money as usual in life, there is also an extra sacrifice for the family. But life is like this, there will be fulfillment only if there are regrets.

因為家庭的因素遠從印尼來到台灣，面對生活環境突如其來的轉變，使我的童年過得比一般人辛苦。正值荳蔻年華的青春，別人和朋友輕鬆愉悅地嬉戲，而我卻已經開始工作，不管是飲料店店員、餐廳服務生、婚紗攝影、八大行業，各式各樣的行業我都做過，早早出社會是很辛苦的一段歷程，為了養活自己，這是條必經之路。但比起辛苦，得到的收穫是遠足已覆蓋這些勞累的。

Because of family factors, I came to Taiwan from Indonesia and faced a sudden change in the living environment, which made my childhood harder than ordinary people. At the time of cardamom's youth, I have already started working when other people and friends are playing relaxingly and joyfully. Whether it is a beverage store clerk, restaurant waiter, wedding photography, or eight major industries, I have done all kinds of industries. Being out of society early is a very difficult journey. In order to support myself, this is the only way to go. But compared to the hard work, the harvest is far enough to cover these tiredness.

工作帶給我很多壓力，常有不盡人意的時候。

起初會冒出這一切不值得的念頭，覺得自己一直在幫別人做事，

或是功勞被搶走，好像付出這麼多努力最後卻沒有任何屬於我的東西。可總會在某一個瞬間，突然所有煩惱都通了。不需要糾結在每一件事值不值得，人生所有經驗都不會是徒勞無功的，終將有一天這些付出會回饋到自身，即使結果不屬於我，但只要肯用心做，在這之中學到的東西就會全都是自己的，且沒有人能夠拿走。

後來嫁進夫家，在事業正衝刺的時候有了小孩，

可我從來沒想過要放棄，這是老天爺給我的禮物。

自從有了孩子才曉得這個社會仍然傳統，耳邊總會傳來「怎麼顧小孩的？」、「要先把孩子顧好啊！」這樣的責罵聲，而這些話從來不會對爸爸說；但也更深地明白該為家庭負起責任，一直以來為了我的家庭努力打拼，不停的往前衝，有時候真的好累，但會想起這世界上比我糟糕的人有更多，他們甚至連喊累的時間都沒有。當父母犧牲是一定的，沒有了自己的時間、不能做喜歡的事，不過能看著他們的笑顏一天天長大，那種幸福感是非常滿足的。也會為了小孩義無反顧往前衝，因為我的家庭就是帶給我能量和動力的最大來源。在擁有家庭前的好幾年我過得很痛苦，但現在即使忙碌，感受到更多的是充足和快樂，這幾年讓我內心很踏實，我知道自己不是在空忙。

Work brings me a lot of pressure, and there are often unsatisfactory times. At first, I would think that all this is not worth it, I feel that I have been doing things for others, or that the credit has been taken away, as if I have put in so much effort but in the end I have nothing that belongs to me. But there will always be a certain moment when all the troubles suddenly disappear. There is no need to worry about whether everything is worth it. All experiences in life will not be in vain. One day, these efforts will be rewarded to myself. Even if the result does not belong to me, as long as I am willing to do it with my heart, I will learn from it. Everything you own will be yours, and no one can take it away.

Later, I married into my husband's family and had a child when my career was sprinting, but I never thought of giving up. This is a gift from God. Ever since I had children, I realized that this society is still traditional, and there are always scolding voices like "?", "How did you take care of the children?", and these words are never said to the father; But I also have a deeper understanding that I should take responsibility for my family. I have been working hard for my family and keep moving forward. Sometimes I am really tired, but I will remember that there are more people worse than me in this world. They didn't even have time to shout. When parents make sacrifices, they have no time for themselves and can’t do what they like, but seeing their children’s smiles grow up day by day, that kind of happiness is very satisfying. I will also go forward without hesitation for my children, because my family is the biggest source of energy and motivation for me. I had a painful life before I had a family for a few years. Yet, even though I am busy now, I feel more content and happy. These years have made me feel at ease in my heart, and I know that I am not busy.

當然長久這樣下來，勢必要捨棄些什麼，我喜歡的不一定是我能做的，因此有了那些遺憾。我的興趣是畫畫，卻礙於經濟因素，我沒辦法選擇喜歡的這條路走。但也因為做了這個取捨，我才能夠養活全家人。常常在想，要是今天小孩長大了，有了自己的時間，我想繼續畫畫，也想放飛自我，好好規劃一場旅行，去世界各國走一走，畢竟一直以來我都在為家庭付出，沒有任何一次是為自己衝過。

Of course, I will have to give up something if I go on like this for a long time. What I like may not be what I can do, so I have those regrets. My hobby is painting, but due to economic factors,

I can't choose my favorite path. But also because of this trade-off, I was able to support my whole family. I often think that if the child grows up someday, I will have my own time, and I want to continue painting. I want to let myself go, plan a trip well, and go to various countries around the world. After all, I have been making a contribution to my family all the time. There’s not any time that I rush for myself.

回憶起我這30幾年的旅程，從一開始的波濤洶湧到如今的風平浪靜，人生似乎就是如此，有苦也有樂，所以我常常覺得一半是成全，一半是遺憾，合起來才是人生。

Recalling my journey of more than 30 years, from the turbulent waves at the beginning to the current calm, life seems to be like this, with both suffering and joy. So, I often feel that half is fulfillment, and the other half is regret. The combination of them is life.

「不要望著那個遙遠的終點」

這段路就像是沒有地圖的航海，不知道將要面臨的會是多大的潮水、不知道是否能成功度過這一劫。但我知道要先相信自己，要往前走才知道這條路會通往哪裡，遇到挫折都是難免的，只要撐過這場浩劫，便能成為理想中的模樣了。

This section of the road is like sailing without a map. I don't know how big the tide will be, and I don't know whether I can successfully survive this disaster. But I know that I have to believe in myself first, and I have to go forward to know where this road will lead. It is inevitable to encounter setbacks. As long as I survive this catastrophe, I can become what I want.

從接觸文字創作、漸漸地愛上這件事，甚至在多年後真的成為了一名作家，一步一步都讓我更加依賴寫作，這是我情緒抒發的最大出口。

From getting in touch with writing, gradually falling in love with it, and even becoming a writer many years later, step by step, I have become more dependent on writing, which is the biggest outlet for my emotional expression.

七年前的我是一個大二生，那時每天過著醉生夢死的生活，生活重心都在喝酒、夜唱、認識新朋友，日以繼夜的玩樂直至某次和高中同學的聚會，在酒精的的催化下讓言語變得更加坦誠直接，「你很有才華，但你為什麼把生活過得像狗屎一樣？」朋友看著我的眼睛說道，他們都知道我從高中就一直有在寫作投稿，我卻沒想過未來能朝這個方向發展，可就在那個晚上受到了鼓勵，似乎被感動到了，隔天我就開啟了粉絲專頁，並寫個不停一直到今天。

2019年剛步入社會，我知道光靠寫作是沒辦法是無法養活自己的，因此我找了一份產品推銷員的工作，穿著西裝皮鞋、梳著油頭在世貿中心招攬客人，卻越做越覺得背道而馳，某天下班我蹲在吸煙區，看著落地窗裡的倒影，為什麼會穿成這樣？為什麼此刻的自己是這副模樣？眼前的我憔悴的離夢想中燦爛的自己好遙遠，想著想著我崩潰落淚，並毅然決然結束了這份短暫的工作。接著我應徵了一間音樂公司的藝術行政，三個月以來我總想著下班後就可以專心創作，實際卻是下班到家後拖著疲憊的身軀洗澡、躺平，無法全心聚焦於創作上。後來找了兼職的工作，才得以在賺錢以及興趣上得到一絲平衡，也在那時收到了出版社的邀約。

Seven years ago, I was a sophomore in college. At that time, I lived a drunken life every day. The focus of my life was drinking, singing at night, meeting new friends, and having fun day and night until a party with high school classmates. My words become more frank and direct due to the alcohol. "You are very talented, but why do you live your life like shit?" My friends looked me in the eyes and said, they all know that I have been writing and contributing since high school. But I didn't expect to develop in this direction in the future. I was encouraged that night and seemed to be moved. The next day I opened the fan page and wrote non-stop until today.

I just stepped into the society in 2019, and I knew that I couldn’t support myself by writing alone, so I found a job as a product salesman, wearing a suit and leather shoes, and combing my hair to attract customers in the World Trade Center. Yet, the more I did, the more I felt betraying my mind. One day, I was squatting in the smoking area after work, looking at the reflection in the floor-to-ceiling windows. “Why did I dress like this? Why do you look like this right now? The haggard me in front of myself was so far away from the brilliant self in my dream, I broke down and cried when I thought about it, and resolutely ended this short-term job. Then I applied for the art administration of a music company. For three months, I always thought that I could concentrate on creation after getting off work, but in fact, I dragged my tired body to take a bath and lie down after work, and could not concentrate on creation. Later, I found a part-time job, so I was able to get a little balance between making money and interests, and at that time I received an invitation from the publishing house.

畢業後接續換了四份工作，家人很擔心，

也常被勸說不要把寫作規劃進人生目標，當作興趣就好，但我很清楚就算我放棄了，最終仍然會走回這條路。我同意大家所說的，的確沒有前途，但我就是喜歡這件事。如果早在一開始這場冒險的路途我只想著錢，那我就看不到任何東西了，只要有機會就去嘗試，不喜歡就離開，或許還是不知道自己喜歡什麼，但總會知道自己不喜歡的是什麼。

每每提到這段人生的抉擇時會讓我想起國小第一次跑長跑，身旁有很多跑比我快的、也有很多在休息的，我不管自己速度多慢，只知道途中感覺到累也絕不允許自己的腳步停下。目標太未知也太痛苦，我選擇看著左右腳抬起，因為我知道總有一天會抵達目的。既然沒辦法確定是否在正確道路上，那就相信自己並向著可能性去實踐，千萬不能停下來迷惘，要一直想、一直往前。

After graduating, I changed four jobs in succession. My family was very worried, and I was often persuaded not to put writing in my life goals, just treat it as a hobby. But I knew very well that even if I gave up, I would still go back to this path in the end. I agree with what everyone said, there is no future, but I just like it. If I only thought about money at the beginning of this adventure, then I would not see anything. I try whenever I get the chance, leave if I don't like it. Perhaps I still don't know what I like, but I will always know what I do not like.

Whenever I mention the choice of this period of life, it reminds me of my first long-distance run in elementary school. There are many runners who run faster than me, and many who are resting. I don’t care how slow I am, I only know that I feel tired on the way. Never allow your footsteps to stop. The goal is too unknown and too painful. I choose to watch my left and right feet lift, because I know that one day I will reach my goal. Since there is no way to determine whether you are on the right path, then believe in yourself and practice towards the possibility. You must not stop and be confused, but keep thinking and moving forward.

沖著咖啡，伴隨窗外安靜的光線享受咖啡香氣的湧上，此刻安穩的生活是我熬過無數個漫長的夜晚換來的，慶幸自己的目標始終明確，無法立即達成也在相差不遠的路上努力邁進，時至今日才能真正成為透過文字去撼動人心的文字創作者。

Drinking coffee, enjoying the aroma of coffee with the quiet light outside the window, the stable life at this moment is the result of countless long nights. I am glad that my goal is always clear, and I will work hard if I can’t achieve it immediately. To move forward, until now can truly become a text creator who uses words to shake people's hearts.

「持續在失敗中尋找成功」

每當周休二日和連假看著友人們出遊的動態總是很羨慕，自己一個月休不到兩天，難得休假也依然要處理工作上的事。但這是自己選擇的路，我相信未來的我一定不只這樣，即使會遇到更多挫折和困難，卻也會因為這些經歷而變得更有能力去處理和面對！

Whenever I have two days off every week and even holidays, I am always envious of watching my friends go out. I have less than two days off a month, and I still have to deal with work matters during the rare vacation. But this is the path I chose. I believe that in the future, I will be more than this. Even if I encounter more setbacks and difficulties, I will become more able to deal with them because of these experiences!

打造一個百分之百屬於我、能自己做任何決定的店，是我從高中開始就夢想著的事情。

Creating a store that is 100% mine and can make any decisions by myself is something I have dreamed of since high school.

我的原生家庭既保守又傳統，對他們來說做公務員能有穩定收入是最安全的選擇，這樣的價值觀沒有問題，

但卻很有限，所以在我接觸到一些比較跳脫、新穎的思維時，被這些想法深深吸引，也讓我認知到自己不是一個保守求安逸的人。從我下定決心要創業後受到很多人的質疑，每個人對我的擔心總是大於支持，爸爸甚至曾用難聽的言語來表示他的不滿。我也時常會一個人胡思亂想，導致拖延、事情都做不好，但我從來沒想過要放棄，反而因此更堅定自己一定要做出成績，某方面也算是種叛逆，想用各種方式證明他們的觀念是錯的，這也是我從高中到大學一直以來的心境。

不過真的開創了自己的事業後才發現這樣的心態是錯誤的，

自以為是反倒讓我什麼都做不好，訂定的目標和計畫我一項都沒達成。在我意識到必須調整自己的認知還有提升內在涵養後，開始邁開腳步去執行，無論是看書、聽Podcast、追蹤相關社群帳號等等，慢慢照著學習到的知識去改變和調整，這段過程讓我明白空想是沒有用的，要去做才有機會實現夢想；不要讓情緒左右自己，要學著穩定自己的情緒，才有辦法理性看待跟處理事物。也從一心想證明別人的錯誤，變成了沒有誰對誰錯，只是認知上的不同，想法從根本改變後我覺得自己的心放鬆了很多，更專注於執行創業上，才正式開了這間小小的攤車。

My native family is both conservative and traditional. For them, being a civil servant and having a stable income is the safest choice. Such values are not problematic, but they are very limited. So when I came into contact with some more out-of-the-ordinary and novel thinking, I was deeply attracted by these ideas, and it also made me realize that I am not a conservative person who seeks comfort. Since I made up my mind to start a business, I have been questioned by many people. Everyone always worries more about me than supports me. My father even used ugly words to express his dissatisfaction. I also often think wildly alone, which leads to procrastination and things can’t be done well, but I never thought of giving up. Because of this, I am more determined to make achievements. In a certain way, it is also a kind of rebellion, and I want to prove their strength in various ways. The concept is wrong, and that's how I've been in it since high school and college.

But after I really started my own business, I realized that this kind of mentality was wrong. Self-righteousness made me unable to do anything well, and I failed to achieve any of the goals and plans I set. After I realized that I had to adjust my cognition and improve my inner self-cultivation, I started to take steps to implement it, whether it was reading books, listening to podcasts, tracking related social accounts, etc., and slowly changing and adjusting according to the knowledge I learned. This process made me understand that fantasies are useless, and only by doing it can I have a chance to realize my dreams; don't let your emotions control you, you must learn to stabilize your emotions, so that you can look at and deal with things rationally. It also changed from wanting to prove other people's mistakes to no one is right and who is wrong, it's just a difference in cognition. After the fundamental change in thinking, I felt that my heart relaxed a lot, and I was more focused on the implementation of entrepreneurship, so I officially opened this little cart.

其實開業後每個月都會有幾天是低潮期，但我知道當我在谷底才正是我要開始往上爬的時候！

我利用低潮期對自己的自我否定，去思考在這些事上可以怎麼改進，也真的每個月都在心境成長還有業績上有新的突破。能夠接到越來越多訂單、客人一次又一次的回購，甚至主動稱讚我的雞蛋燒、漸漸更認識家鄉的人事物，雖然都是很微小的事，但全是我大大的動力，心裡很滿足。

In fact, there will be a few days of low tide every month after opening, but I know that when I am at the bottom, it is the time when I want to start climbing! I used my self-denial during the low tide period to think about how to improve these things, and I really made new breakthroughs in mental growth and performance every month. Being able to receive more and more orders, repurchase again and again from customers, even taking the initiative to praise my egg pancake, and gradually getting to know people and things in my hometown. Although these are very small things, they are all my great motivations and I am very satisfied.

創業也有了將近一年的時間，完全不覺得後悔，也讓我慢慢改掉以前拖延、胡思亂想、情緒化等等會影響做事效率的壞習慣。因為事情做得好了，我變得更有自信、能夠花更多時間在自己身上之外，並且理性、開闊地看待其他人事物，不管是事業還是人際關係上，都越來越能得心應手。或許這個選擇比一般上班族要來得辛苦，沒有穩定收入、沒有固定上班時間，但還是覺得自己做了一個很棒的決定。

It’s been almost a year since I started my business, and I don’t feel any regrets at all. It also allowed me to gradually get rid of the bad habits of procrastination, cranky thinking, emotionality, etc. that would affect the efficiency of my work. Because things are done well, I become more confident, able to spend more time outside of myself, and look at other people and things rationally and openly. Whether it is career or interpersonal relationships, I become more and more handy. Maybe this choice is more difficult than ordinary office workers. There is no stable income and no fixed working hours, but I still feel that I have made a great decision.

希望未來我的事業不只是一個小攤車，我想開一間可以結合自己喜歡的事物，像是餐飲、設計等等，又可以幫助或是和身邊的人一同成長，例如：和志同道合的人一起合作、規劃的一個複合式空間！

I hope that my business will not be just a small stall in the future. I want to open a shop that can combine my favorite things, such as catering, design, etc., and help or grow with people around me, for example: with like-minded people A compound space for cooperation and planning!

「我們不是神，我們也是人」

即使知道自己走在往前的道路卻對目的地一無所知，每當這種時刻我總會不自覺陷入迷茫的大海中。但那又如何？至少我慢慢地喜歡上這一切、至少還有人想跟隨我的腳步，那我就得要持續走下去。

Even though I know that I am on the road ahead, I don't know the destination. I will always unconsciously fall into the sea of confusion at such moments. But so what? At least I slowly like all this; at least there are people who want to follow in my footsteps, then I have to keep going.

熬過了一整天的摧殘後，我攤在椅子上，電腦開著、資料散落在桌上，連身上的包包都懶得拿下來，種種一切道出那些外人從來不知道關於社工師的辛苦。我的服務對象可謂是從搖籃到墳墓，而同時手上必須處理的個案更是多到滿出來，除了長時間與個案相處、陪伴、訪視，堆積如山的報表和紀錄也使我喘不過氣。

After a whole day of torture, I was spread out on a chair. The computer was turned on, and the documents were scattered on the table. I didn't even bother to take off my bag. All these things revealed that outsiders never knew about social workers' hardships. The objects I serve range from newborns to people with half a foot in the coffin. At the same time, the number of cases that must be dealt with was overflowing.

龐大的工作量再加上主管帶來的壓力總是讓我感到壓抑、委屈，可我慶幸自己有著跟其他社工師不一樣的心境，好幾次和同事聊天才發現他們即使在這個崗位的日子已經有段時間，卻仍然會被個案牽動情緒。曾經的我也會，總是掛念著那些被我照顧過的人，「這個個案出院後過得還好嗎？會不會自己還是走不出那片陰影？」而不同的個案在不同時間這樣來來去去，也使我陷入了迷茫的大海中。直到我的生活品質逐漸被影響，才意識到我必須先照顧好自己才能照顧別人。

把自己無限次丟進那樣的情緒，我不就每天都在難過了嗎？或許很多人認為社工就是一份付出的工作，但其實我們也是人，也要正常生活啊，更誠實的來說......我也想愛自己。慢慢地我能將工作和生活切開，理性面對所有個案，我沒辦法一輩子負責他們的生活，當個協助者就好，而非參與他們的人生。

The huge workload and the pressure brought by the supervisor always make me feel depressed and aggrieved, but I am glad that I have a different state of mind from other social workers. After chatting with my colleagues several times, I found that even though they have been in this position for a long time, they will still be emotionally affected by the cases. I used to be, always thinking about those people I took care of, "Is this case going to be okay after the end? Is it possible that he/she still can't get out of that shadow?" And different cases came and went at different times, which also made me fall into a sea of confusion. It wasn't until my quality of life was gradually affected that I realized that I had to takecare of myself before I could take care of others.

Throwing myself into such emotions infinitely, wouldn't I be sad every day? Maybe many people think that social work is a job that devotes, but in fact we are also human beings, and we have to live a normal life. To be more honest... I also want to love myself. Gradually, I can separate work and life, and face all cases rationally. I can't be responsible for their lives for the rest of my life. I just want to be a helper instead of participating in their lives.

回想起踏入社工界之前，我覺得陪個案聊天、提供福利資源，完全是在幫助他人，很有意義。但實際深入這個圈子後接應的幾份個案都不是眞正値得我向他們伸出援手的。酗酒、抽菸、吸毒導致身體器官壞光，這是他們自己選擇的後果，好幾個個案是連家人都不想理，但這也是讓我很心累的原因之一，要拿出十萬分的耐心說服家人處理。有時候也會遇到很兇悍的病患，身上還刺龍刺鳳的，被吼得當下也挺不知所措，可是我不會感到畏懼，因為我是這座白色巨塔的微光。

Recalling before entering the social work field, I feel that chatting with clients and providing welfare resources are completely helping others, which is very meaningful. Yet, the few cases I received after I went deep into this circle were not really worthy of my help. Alcoholism, smoking, and drug abuse lead to the deterioration of body organs. This is the consequence of their own choices. In several cases, even the family members do not want to care about it, but this is also one of the reasons that makes me very tired. I have to patiently persuade the family to deal with it. Sometimes I will encounter very fierce patients, with dragons and phoenixes on their bodies, and I am quite at a loss when I am yelled at. But I will not feel afraid, because I am the twilight of this hospital.

成為社工也有將近兩年的時間了，最深的感觸大概就是「每個人都在和自己的不方便和平共處」。一直以來我都很不希望大家提及我視力模糊的事情，我認為這是我天生的缺陷。後來我才知道身邊有一位同事一隻耳朵是聽不到的、還有個朋友腦袋裡有腦瘤。或許你看不出來，但其實每個人或多或少都有著障礙，沒有人是完美的，我做得到的事，不代表他人一定做得到。觀察著每個個案的狀況，並記錄在筆下也成了我閒暇時刻的習慣，我開始在網路上用圖文分享著遇到的故事，也收穫了一些粉絲。

I have been a social worker for nearly two years, and my deepest feeling is probably that "Everyone is living peacefully with their own inconveniences." I've always hated people talking about my blurry vision, which I think is a natural flaw. I later learned that there was a colleague who was deaf in one ear and a friend who had a brain tumor. Maybe you can't see it, but in fact, everyone has more or less obstacles. No one is perfect. What I can do does not mean that others must be able to do it. Observing the status of each case and recording it has become a habit in my spare time. I began to share the stories encountered with pictures and texts on the Internet, and gained some fans.

我的文字能影響到某個人，甚至在未來低潮時他會想起我曾經說過的一句話且因此被鼓勵到，這樣我就覺得足夠値得了，這也是我的初衷，希望這個世界可以因為我的存在而有所不一樣。

My words can affect someone, and even when the future is at a low ebb, he/she will think of a sentence I once said and be encouraged, and that's worth it. This is also my original intention. I hope the world can be different because of my existence.

「學著和自己好好相處」

別人覺得好的，在我看來不一定是好；別人喜歡的，我也不一定能接受。常常因此被說叛逆，可是人生只有一次，做自己喜歡的事情並且無拘無束地度過餘生才是感到幸福的根本之道。我想把我會的傳遞給這些孩子，這是我的初衷。

What others think is good is not necessarily good in my opinion; what others like is not necessarily acceptable to me. It is often said to be rebellious because of this, but there is only one life, and the fundamental way to feel happy is to do what you like and spend the rest of your life freely. I want to pass on what I know to these children, this is my original intention.

曾想過很多次要考執照成為正式的老師，但當我進入學校後才發現那不是我真正想要的。我不是一個天生當老師的料，是得用努力換實力的人，考教甄之路很辛苦，這段日子真的索然無味。好不容易考上了，進入學校任職，卻發現學校老師之間的鬥爭非常嚴重，最令人詬病的是資深正式教師，仗著自己在學校時間較長而搞職場小團體和派系，對於來學校的實習教師也是愛理不理的。學校環境也讓我不適應，必須要教書、帶活動、負責各式各樣的比賽，一個人要包辦的有很多很多，總感覺自己被學校無盡的利用。錢領的比別人少，卻要做的比別人還多，我無法接受這麼不公平的職場環境。

I thought many times about getting a license to become a full-fledged teacher, but when I entered the school, I realized that was not what I really wanted. I was not born to be a teacher, but I have to trade hard work for my ability. The road to the exam is very hard, and these days are really boring. I finally passed the exam and entered the school to work, but found that the struggle among the teachers in the school was very serious. The most criticized was the senior formal teacher, relying on his long time in the school to form small groups and factions in the workplace, even being indifferent to the intern teachers. The school environment also made me uncomfortable. I had to teach, lead activities, and take charge of all kinds of competitions. There were so many things to do by myself, and I always felt that I was being used endlessly by the school. I receive less money than others, but have to do more than others. I cannot accept such an unfair workplace environment.

時常收到同為LGBTQ身份的私訊，一句句訴說著他們的痛苦，家庭的封建亦或是同溫層不夠厚等等原因導致他們有了自殺的念頭，原來我經歷的拉扯，還有好多人也正感受著。我偶爾會忘記自己的需求才是最該被擺在第一位，終其一生都在討好別人這並不是我想要的。夜深人靜的時候我會反覆念叨著，必須多花心思在自己身上，其餘的眼光和認可並非我首要該在意的，我表現出的態度、人格魅力、外表是多麽的優秀，得到自己的認可就足夠了。

Because I like to teach others what I know, even though I quit my formal job, I still explored another way to go, and finally became a wandering teacher. Many people around me often question my choice. After all, you and I know how difficult it is to get a teacher's license these days and how many people want to compete for this position. Many of my college classmates have also taken the license test several times in order to realize their dream of being a teacher. I have heard that there are as many as eight times. But after becoming a wandering tutor, I am happier than teaching in a fixed school. This identity makes me very happy, maybe because I am an unfettered person, which is really a lot happier for myself who yearns for freedom. I also experienced many benefits that I didn't feel in school. What I like the most is that I can teach students according to my own ideas without being influenced by others.

台灣的教育太重視學科發展，其餘的藝能科目例如美術、舞蹈及體育都不被受到重視，而我偏偏又是一名舞蹈和鋼琴老師，好幾個熟識的學生們在升學壓力下父母紛紛把錢投資到了學科補習班。但我沒有為此感到擔憂，我繼續流浪在各個學校和教育環境裡，保持著初衷，教導所有和我學習的學生。我想盡自己的一份力為這些認真學習的孩子做點改變，是個看似偉大卻不切實際的夢想，只為在他們心中種下小小的種子。

讓他們明白自己是值得被好好對待、重視的存在。

Education in Taiwan puts too much emphasis on subject development, and other arts subjects such as fine arts, dance, and physical education are not valued, and I happen to be a dance and piano teacher. Several familiar students are under the pressure of further studies since their parents have invested their money in subject cram schools. But I didn't worry about it. I continued to wander in various schools and educational environments, maintaining my original intention and teaching all the students who studied with me. I want to do my part to make some changes for these children who study hard. It is a seemingly great but unrealistic dream.

很多人對於流浪教師的議題感到同情，因為在外人看來這是一個徬徨不定的職業，即使過程有很多的抱怨與不悅，但我真心喜歡享受這份工作。得要抱著對教育的熱忱與決心，這條路才不會越走越無力，並且堅持初衷、學著相信自己。

Many people feel sympathetic about the issue of homeless teachers, because outsiders see this as an uncertain profession. Even though there are many complaints and displeasure in the process, I really like and enjoy this job. You have to have enthusiasm and determination for education, so that this road will not become weaker and weaker, and you must stick to your original intention and learn to believe in yourself.

況且，花若盛開，蝴蝶自來。

「去尋找讓自己快樂的事」

即使有著樂天的本性，也總有被生活磨損的時候。那些心煩意亂的時刻像是溺水般，我久久無法抽離。但或許這是命運的安排，嘗試了各種能放下思慮的方法，才能因此感到快樂和溫暖。

Even with an optimistic nature, there are always times when life wears it down. Those distracting moments were like drowning, and I couldn't get out of them for a long time. But maybe this is the arrangement of fate. I have tried various methods to let go of my thoughts, so that I can feel happy and warm.

「我要去環島。」

午後陽光溫柔的灑落，而我獨自在咖啡廳坐著，平復著生活帶來的疲憊感，順著耀眼的方向抬頭看，映入眼簾的是一望無際的北海岸，還有好多人在車上掛著環島的牌子，那一剎那，我突然也想試試看這件熱血的事情，藉此來逃離煩悶的生活。很感謝自己樂天無懼的個性，才能這樣說走就走。我和男友各騎一台車，一路走走停停，朋友都說很浪漫，可我反倒覺得我和他像是夥伴在冒險，沒有任何爭吵，是很有趣的一段旅程。

"I'm going on a trip around the island." The afternoon sun was shining gently, and I was sitting alone in the coffee shop, calming down the fatigue brought by life, looking up in the dazzling direction. What came into view was the endless North Coast, and there were many people hanging the sign of “traveling around the island” on the car. At that moment, I suddenly wanted to try this passionate thing so as to escape the boring life. I am very grateful for my optimistic and fearless personality, so I can leave like this. My boyfriend and I rode a motorcycle on our own, stopping and going along the way. My friends said it was very romantic, but I felt that he and I were like partners on an adventure. There was no quarrel, and it was a very interesting journey.

起初從未想過要回家，但在經過每個縣市都會想起各地的親戚，並安排回他們的家看看，藉由環島這件事拜訪了許多許久未見的親朋好友，算是這趟旅程中很大的收穫。就這樣一個城市接著一個，體驗每個地區不同的文化與風景，從鄉村到都市、從海岸線到山路，所有的感受都很清晰。記得環島結束前一個晚上，我們在台南隨便找了一間石頭火鍋，其實仔細想想也沒什麼特別，但因為那天真的好累好累，所以加倍地感受到了那份美味，是我每次到台南都會想再回訪的味道。

當然這麼漫長的奔波總會有遇到狀況的時候，某天的黃昏時分，我在東部沿著海岸邊騎，欣賞著被粉色天空渲染的海平面，浪漫到不禁有種在跟大海談戀愛的感覺。殊不知沈浸在浪漫氛圍裡沒多久就突如其來的爆胎了⋯⋯ 「妹妹！妳還好嗎？」幸好恰巧有居民聽到聲響出來看狀況，跟我說距離最近的車行，才解決了我的困擾。我邊牽車邊欣賞黃昏的風景，終於到了車行修好機車，能繼續前行了。

At first, I never thought of going home, but when I passed by every county and city, I would think of my relatives from all over the country, and arrange to go back to their homes. By going around the island, I visited many relatives and friends whom I hadn’t seen for a long time, and they are great rewards from the journey. Just like this, we traveled one city after another, experiencing the different culture and scenery of each region. From the countryside to the city; from the coastline to the mountain road, and all the feelings are very clear. I remember that the night before the end of the roundabout, we randomly found a stone hot pot in Tainan. In fact, it was nothing special after thinking about it, but because I was really tired that day, I felt the deliciousness twice as much.It’s the taste that I would like to experience again every time when I re-visit Tainan.

Of course, such a long journey will always encounter a situation. One day at dusk, I was riding along the coast in the east, admiring the sea level rendered by the pink sky. It was so romantic that I couldn’t help falling in love with the sea. Little did I know that the tire suddenly burst after I was immersed in the romantic atmosphere... "Girl ! Are you okay?" Fortunately, a resident happened to hear the sound and came out to check the situation, and told me the nearest car dealership, which solved my problem. While I was dragging my motorcycle, I admired the scenery at dusk. Finally, I went to the garage to repair the locomotive, and I was able to move on.

我一直想再去環島一次，以當下最真實的狀態出發更能在這旅程中傾聽自己的聲音、找到自己想要的答案。環島給我的養分是每時每刻感受到人、天空、海給我的溫暖，也要親身走過才知道台灣真的不小，在這之中我得到了好多力量。疫情戴口罩真的很久了，大家在這三年都多了一種距離感或是漠視旁邊事物的感覺，卻在經過環島旅程後即使有隔閡也感受得到跨越物種的溫暖。不論在什麼狀態，就算當下覺得自己非常不幸，走過之後就又會覺得沒什麼；或是原本覺得自己很棒，但在走過之後會發現自己很渺小。

I have always wanted to go around the island again, so that I can listen to my own voice and find the answer I want by starting in the most authentic state of the moment. The nourishment I get from going around the island is to feel the warmth of people, the sky, and the sea every moment. I have to walk through it myself to know that Taiwan is really big. I have gained a lot of strength from this. It’s been a long time since I wore masks during the epidemic. In the past three years, everyone has had a sense of distance or a feeling of ignoring things around them. Yet, after the journey around the island, they can feel the warmth of crossing species even if there is a gap. No matter what state you are in, even if you feel very unfortunate at the moment, you will feel nothing after passing by; or you think you are great at first, but you will find yourself very small after passing through.

長大或許不是這麼快樂的一件事，但可以去尋找讓自己快樂的事，「關關難過關關過」我總是這麼告訴自己，不用害怕漂流，任何人事物找上門不要心急肯定都能迎刃而解，我們都可以過著無拘無束的生活。

Growing up may not be such a happy thing, but you can find things that make you happy. "Each and every harsh crisis will be averted." I always tell myself, don't be afraid of drifting; don't be impatient when you come to your door, you will definitely be able to solve it , we can all live an unfettered life.

「我知道自己是最美麗的」

我的性別認同遠遠超出了大多數人能接受的範圍，但無論別人做了什麼、說了什麼，我絕不會被這些無謂的閒言閒語和小動作傷害。世界上只有一個我啊，沒有人能隨意將我定罪，活成我心中最美的樣子就足夠了。

My gender identity is far beyond what most people would accept, but no matter what other people do or say, I will never be hurt by these meaningless gossip and small gestures. There is only one me in the world, no one can condemn me arbitrarily, it is enough to live the most beautiful appearance in my heart.

「不管你的條件有多差，總會有個人在愛你。不管你的條件有多好，也總有個人不愛你。」

漸漸習慣在日常閱讀張愛玲的書，她的文字無形中成為了我最強的底氣。

"No matter how bad your conditions are, there will always be someone who loves you. No matter how good your conditions are, there will always be someone who doesn't love you." I gradually got used to reading Chang Ailing's books in my daily life, and her words became my strongest confidence virtually.

多年來多虧了原生家庭和校園環境才能一直自信的活著，剛開始覺得開口展示內在很困難，直到高三那年我勇敢的讓父母完整了解我，學校的老師同學待我都很善良，給予我溢出來的尊重和包容。我想，這也是讓我無論如何都能保持自我的原因吧。在我說出自己是跨性別者後，難免收到各處散發的異樣眼光和惡言相向，但我從未反駁，也不曾讓這些言語動搖我。只要做到努力介紹自己並表達需求，即使不喜歡的回應佔了多數，我仍能瀟灑的轉身離開。

I usually receive texts from the same identities as the LGBTQ. They tell their pains words by words, the feudalism of the family or the lack of thick stratosphere and other reasons lead them to have the idea of suicide. It turns out that I have experienced a lot of dragging, and many people are also feeling it. I occasionally forget that my own needs should come first, and spending my life pleasing others is not what I want. In the dead of night, I would repeat over and over again that I must pay more attention to myself. The rest of my vision and recognition are not my primary concern. My attitude, personal charm, and appearance are so good. Getting my own approval is enough. Thanks to my native family and campus environment for many years, I have been able to live confidently. At first, I found it difficult to open my mouth to show my inner self. It was not until my third year of high school that I bravely let my parents fully understand me. The teachers and classmates at the school treated me very kindly and gave me overflowing respect and tolerance. I think this is also the reason why I can maintain myself no matter what. After I said I was transgender, I inevitably received strange looks and bad words from all over the world. Yet, I never contradicted it, and I never let these words sway me. As long as I try my best to introduce myself and express my needs, even if the responses I don't like account for the majority, I can still turn around and leave gracefully.

在感情世界裡，跨性別對我來說是很嚴重的傷害，畢竟愛情就是我的人生必需品。常常羨慕別人擁有一段順利又正常的戀情，我能用外貌吸引男生，但他們會因我是生理男而打退堂鼓。有時候聽著他們拒絕我的理由更讓我加倍難受，不是因為我不好而回絕，是因為我的先天限制，讓我沒辦法擁有正常的戀愛關係。「為什麼不去做手術呢？」大概算是我最常被提出的疑問了，沒有什麼感性的原因，單純是不希望在我的基因上強加女性賀爾蒙，導致免疫系統混亂，而且經歷大手術就是少一條命，我不想浪費這十年甚至二十年，都不知道自己能活多久了，當然要把握這些時間拿來和愛的人相處。

對於我自身的條件我很知足也很感謝，上帝算是給了我一條順遂的道路。所有先天的輪廓不會影響我對美的認知，如果因為別人的一句話就懷疑自己，那就重新定義自己想追求的事物和對美的定義。別鎖著自己，透過溝通與協調，總會找到生活平衡的。每個人都在關注著未來的目標，不會過於在意別人；每個人都有著破碎的過去，都在專注著如何讓一切變更好，不管你所眺望的遠方是何處，都要更努力精進自己，用能力說話，而不是虛無縹緲的維持立場。

In the world of love, transgender is a serious injury to me. After all, love is the necessity of my life. I often envy others to have a smooth and normal relationship. I can attract boys with my appearance, but they will retreat because I am a biological man. Sometimes listening to their reasons for rejecting me makes me even more uncomfortable. It's not because I'm bad, but because of my innate limitations that prevent me from having a normal relationship. "Why don't you go for surgery?" This is probably the question that I have been asked the most. There is no emotional reason. It is simply that I don't want to impose female hormones on my genes, causing immune system confusion, and undergoing major surgery. It's just that I lost one life. I don't want to waste ten or even twenty years. I don't know how long I can live. Of course, I must use this time to get along with the people I love.

I am very satisfied and grateful for my own conditions. God has given me a smooth path. All innate contours will not affect my perception of beauty. If you doubt yourself because of someone else's words, then redefine what you want to pursue and the definition of beauty. Don't lock yourself in. Through communication and coordination, you will always find a balance in your life. Everyone is paying attention to the future goals, and will not care too much about others; everyone has a broken past, and they are all focused on how to make everything better. No matter where you look at the distance, you must work harder to improve yourself, Speak with ability, rather than maintaining a position in vain.